Everybody knows that the holidays induce stress, especially this year with the economy still sitting out on the sidelines. So just in time comes the Stress Wiener, “the squeezable food to improve your mood”. If I were the gambling type, I’d lay odds that this was a repackaged dog toy that came from the factory minus a squeaker. Whatever the case, I’m squeezing it hard with only three days left til blast-off.
A great kitsch Kristmas or Chanukah gift for your folliclely challenged male friends, this Burt Reynolds-like hair rug would look great protruding from a polyester disco shirt or anything that unbuttons to reveal the beauteous cheese beneath. The chest rug attaches to skin or sparse hair with three pieces of double stick tape and looks pretty until you pull it off, in which case the rash it most likely leaves behind still gives the chest a very distinctive look.
Made by Accoutrements. Fresh patch available at Archie McPhee.
There’s nothing more I’d like to pull through my teeth than long strands of Double Bubble but this barely bubblegum flavored dental floss is as close as I’m ever going to get. It always amazes me that things like bubblegum, bacon, french fries and other foodstuffs that are not necessarily a tooth’s best friend are the products that are made to nurture it. One of the most fascinating things about this, though, is how they arrived at a price of 78 cents. Was 75 too convenient and 80 too round?
This dental floss meal was prepared by Oral Care and manufactured in Québec by Innovadent Technologies.
As most of you know by now, I’m one of the few songwriters who loves when their songs are used or performed inappropriately as it turns the songs into masterpieces of Kitsch. I never set out to write Kitsch as I love music too much but if I leave it in the hands of all the people who love to see themselves on YouTube I’m rarely disappointed.
As opposed to a performance, this is someone who’s chosen to verrrry sloooowwwwly show us how to achieve a Dominican hairdo using two Earth Wind & Fire songs as background music, “After The Love Is Gone” and “Boogie Wonderland”, the latter of which I co-wrote and the significance of neither in regards to the the subject matter make any sense.
With pixelated effects that happen in the first few seconds of the video and never occur again in the 9 minutes and 13 torturous seconds it takes to get the damn rollers out and hair wrapped, this is a directorial masterpiece in the filmic language of Kitsch. Among other highlights is that absolutely nothing happens in rhythm to the music, the “wind machine” only functions in one “scene” and the label on a jar of product appears backwards so you can’t possibly see what it is even if you wanted to achieve this look. Also excellent is the fact that ‘doobie’ doesn’t mean what we think it does and is apparently some kind of barrette or bobby pin.
I got excited when it was apparent that the final hairdo was going to look like a Fez. At this point, over 7 minutes in, “Boogie Wonderland” is in full throttle instrumental. That hair should have been whipping around to the strings and horns, combs and doobies flying. But alas, the Fez just gets pulled tighter and tighter, smoother and smoother, totally defying the intention of the music. And why would something be called ‘blowout’ that’s actually deflated and increases in value the flatter it gets?
Even I had trouble making it through to the final strand but from a Kitsch perspective this is a Top 10 hit!
If it’s Eva Gabor it’s got to be good and this certainly lives up to all expectations! This incredibly cheaply made – one piece of elastic, two alligator clips and one plastic “decorative ring” – fashion strap “keeps your wig securely in place while your wig is being combed, brush or styled.” It looks like all you do is attach a clip to either side of your fake hair and tighten the noose around your neck by sliding the “decorative ring”. The final instruction, as if written for an idiot, is “comb or brush your wig into desired style.”
This product was made in 1972 for Eva Gabor International in Hong Kong and was sold at the May Company for $4. I’ve never worn a wig but I would’ve bought a case of these had I seen them at the time.
This thing kills me. Not only does it still reek of the scent of the powder that was pumped into it five decades ago but it exemplifies a common marketing tactic taken by some of the most brilliantly kitschy products when a staunchly middle of the road company attempts to be hip and takes on a pop culture trend. In this case, it’s The Fuller Brush Company attempting to cash in on the folk singing craze of the early 1960s by covering a bath mit in fabric that looks like something that would have been stretched over the armrest of an Ethan Allan Early Americana couch.
I don’t even know what half of the instruments are let alone what a Declaration of Independence type scroll, leaves or half of the other icons on this have to do with Bob Dylan, Peter, Paul & Mary or anyone else who inspired teenagers and young adults to buy acoustic guitars, don turtlenecks and rip into a chorus of “If I Had A Hammer”.
The box is as brilliant as the mitt. I love the backdrop of musical notes, although I have no idea what the melody is as despite the copious number of hit songs I’ve written I don’t know how to read music. But that story’s for another time. What’s important here is the illustration of a pert and sunny sorority looking girl who’s more apt to be dancing in front of her TV with American Bandstand on than attending a Hootenanny while she’s being serenaded by the Ray-Ban man and someone else whose pants are way too short.
I found this trashcan for 99¢ at a thrift shop in Santa Barbara, CA. and it’s been the proud receptacle of Willis waste ever since. I often stare at the illustrations of perfume atomizers, combs, compacts and other elegantly sketched artifacts that comprise a typical female’s cosmetic regime, loving more each time the absolutely perfect 1950’s color combination of white, pink, gold and black as applied to the metal.
Made by Harvell and standing 13″ tall x 10-3/4″ wide, a lot of the paint has scraped off this baby but as far as I’m concerned she just gets prettier with age.
Originally 3 oz. of Avon perfume of undetermined name – Unforgettable, Topaze or OCCUR!, all of which came encased inside the Tower in 1970. I used this once and couldn’t stand being around myself it reeked so bad, so much of the contents remains.
The bottles are fairly easy to find but usually sans perfume. I screwed off the cap for the first time in decades in order to write this and it still smells like vinegar and whiskey might have been some of the ingredients. Bottle is 8-1/2″ tall with a goldtone plastic cap. Not a nick in sight.
I love this packaging so much that if I ever chose to actually use this thing I’d scrub myself with the plastic on. The Photoshoped suds with the totally artificial drip pattern, the Disco-y lettering of Lovin’, the pink of the towel against the bleached pink of the skin – all kwintessential Kitsch aspects of this “More Healthy More Beauty” body scrubber.
The translations on the back, though not as off as I Lovin them to be, still suffer from bad punktuation, grammar and spelling. For example, the towel helps “bad circularion”.
The mesh towel inside looks pretty rough – I don’t dare ruin the packaging to confirm – altho not of the strength of a loofah which it’s clearly patterned after.
I also love the simplicity of the directions: “To avoid soap suds from rinsing away, keep Lovin’ towel away from the direct flow of water.” Anyone who doesn’t know that before they use the towel doesn’t deserve to be scrubbin’ with the Lovin’ in the first place.
This “giant”(all 4 1/2” of it!) can of tooth powder was all the rage in the 1940’s and 50’s when the jingle, “You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent!” flooded tv and radio waves. Pepsodent was famous for its powerful whitening ingredients, “I.M.P.” and Irium, but in 1994, then-FCC chairman Reed Hundt claimed that there was actually no Irium in the product at all. Despite this, the popular jingle and mere promise of whiter teeth made Pepsodent a huge success and the first product that used “radio as a medium for gathering listeners for the purpose of advertising to them”.
Arrogance on the part of Lever Bros., the company that manufactured Pepsodent, actually stopped the tooth policing agent in its tracks. Confident that the non existent Irium insured its proliferation, the company was very slow to add fluoride to the formula. Other brands like Crest, Gleem and Colgate took over the market until Pepsodent was relegated to discount stores, bargain bins and buyers with terminal yellow teeth.
But in its heyday decades earlier Pepsodent ruled, even included in popular song lyrics. From South Pacific: “Bloody Mary’s chewing betel nuts/ And she don’t use Pepsodent” (where’s the rhyme??). And in Cole Porter’s “You’re The Top”: “You’re the basic grand of a lady and a gent, You’re an old Dutch master, you’re Mrs. Astor, you’re Pepsodent.” (excellent rhyme).
1950’s commercial – See where the yellow went:
