coldstone-butterscotchvelvet_cone-thumb-lgSwear to God, this week Coldstone introduced some of the cold stuff that turns into pudding and never melts. Only available through July 28th, this joint venture with the King of Kitsch foodstuffs, JELL-O, has the texture of pudding but is cold like ice cream and stuffed into cones or cups. Jello Pudding Ice Cream, as this test monkey is known, comes in Chocolate-y Goodness™ with peanut butter, caramel and fudge and Butterscotch Velvet™ with Butterfingers, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and caramel. I’ll miss the drips but look forward to even more chemicals lighting my system up. I’ll have some red balls Orbitz to wash that down with, please!

For recipes using the new chemical treat go here. Really.

lawrence-welk-vase_9014One of the most spectacular examples of television Kitsch are reruns of The Lawrence Welk Show, 1955 to ’82, on PBS. My favorites are late 60’s/ early 70’s with their over-saturated technicolorish hues, cheesy sets and costumes, massive bouffants and Disco tweaked JFK hair helmets, bouncy musicians, extreme middle of the road interpretations of old and new pop songs, insert shots of the dancing octogenarian audience, not to mention the thicker than wiener schnitzel German accent of the wunnerful, wunnerful host himself, Mr. Champagne Music, Lawrence Welk.

His dedicated group of sidekicks included accordionist Myron Floren, his son-in-law, ex Mouseketeer Bobby Burgess, and platinum follicled pianist, JoAnn Castle, of whom TV Guide said, “Castle doesn’t tickle the Ivories, she hammers them—as if she is building the piano instead of playing it.” Appropriately sponsored by Geritol, a health tonic that zoomed to popularity in the post Atomic Age, The Lawrence Welk Show is a Kitsch lover’s Woodstock.

Mr. Welk embraced merchandising, including his ever popular ashtrays, bubbles and musical spoons but the accordion vase is among the most collectible of his stable.

                                                                                                             Welk’s Big Hit:

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                                                                                                            JoAnn’s big hair:

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Really really nasty cheap packaging on this pack of gum and 6 “full color” movie cards put out by Paramount Pictures Corp in 1977. Six dark photos printed on incredibly flimsy barely card stock, the back of which looks to be a cut up overstock movie poster with nary a fact about John Travolta or the film printed anywhere. Boasting that the Super Bubble gum inside blows larger bubbles I doubt it very much as there’s only half a stick of gum included – not a even a full pancake of dextrose and corn syrup. Such a classic film is worthy of a finer chewing experience, altho the packaging catapults this to high Kitsch status.

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Everything goes down smooth, Smokey style at 7/11.  At the time, early in the stars cross-promoting with retail establishments 1970’s, I thought Smokey was too smooth to be on a cup.  But I loved Slurpees, Big Gulps and such and forgave him with my first swig back.  I still collect these cups.  Grand Funk Railroad and The Fifth Dimension sit right next to Smokey on my desk holding pencils, tv remotes and the like, still working round the clock in the studio.

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I made this “Arnold Palmer Coat Rack” out of golf clubs and balls in 1987 for a Debbie Harry video, “French Kissing In The USA”, that I art directed in my house. I’m a big fan of using objects for purposes other than for which they were created. I sold a lot of these as well as a baseball bat and mitt version in the 80’s. I never golfed myself but still have hundreds of clubs, all picked for their sturdiness as furniture parts. 

Here’s a link to the video on YouTube. I can’t even remember if the coat rack made the final cut but it was there among a zillion other things I custom built.  

I could post a much clearer copy of the video than whoever posted this but YouTube retains its hideous policy of selectively notifying people to take copyrighted videos down, oftentimes leaving those who made the video empty-handed while allowing those who made copies off TV or DVDs unscathed. Greedy, greedy, greedy YT.  Duck before a golf ball slams your profits in the head!

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Almost anything painted on velvet attains instant Kitsch status but when it’s the two most iconic figures of all time together on the same velvet stage, well, that’s the koolest kind o’ Kitsch kick possible. I don’t know who would open for who but it’s one koncert I’d kill to kome to, me who rarely sees live music though I guess in this case the live thing wouldn’t be a problem.

This is velvet painting royalty no matter how you kut the kake. I hate people who make everything kute by using the first letter of the word they’re spotlighting the same in every word, in this case Kitsch. Sorry, I can’t kurb my kumpulsion to komply in the kompany of such Kings..

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Just in time for the weekend comes this 1950’s plastic drink guide, the must-have bar accessory in any respectable Space Age home. Spin the dial and get recipes to Atomic cocktails like Between The Sheets, Blood & Sand, Gertie’s Garter, Millionaire Numbers 1 & 2 and Widow’s Dream. No tiki bar, rec room or man in gray flannel suit was without one of these back in the day.

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tire-ashtray

Made of real Firestone tire rubber, these ashtrays hit their peak in the 1950’s but have remained a Kitsch accessory staple through the decades. Growing up in Detroit, they were as common in the city as potholes, given out as promotional gifts from every business that had even the remotest connection to cars or anything else mounted on tires.

This one’s a Firestone Steel Radial but there are zillions of different styles and brands of tires as well as glass, plastic and bakelite inserts, branded and not.

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Sammy’s the Kitsch King no matter how you slice the cheese wheel. His shtick is the barometer against which all other nightclub cheese is measured – though the Candy Man’s case is made all the more compelling because of his Kool factor. This bobble head is newish but is a limited edition with no new ones being made. My favorite thing about him is that he sits on top of a speaker in my recording studio and bobs his head in loving rhythm to whatever I write.