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A couple of weeks ago I featured the world’s happiest gal dancing to my song “Neutron Dance”. Now, the Krown Princess of Kitsch Khoreography turns her attention to the sweeping horns and strings and theatrical chorus melody of another one of my most danced-to songs. Black leather against backlit drapes encourages an even more dramatic performance, made exceptionally special by how the dancer’s mouth moves aggressively though rarely quite mouthing the words. Other favorite aspects of the performance are the freeze poses and excellent recovery from a stumble in the first chorus. The moves in the instrumental are especially impressive. Kudos from the author to this Neutron Dancer in Boogie Wonderland!

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PLAY THIS VIDEO!:

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I’ve seen many improvised dances to my Pointer Sisters song “Neutron Dance” but this girl has a better time kutting loose inside the klutches of Kitch than anyone I’ve ever seen. Describing her style as “Improvisational freestyle spontaneous informal interpretive dancing” Aremisbell, real name Diana Campanella, dances to more high energy songs on YouTube than Madonna. With mouth and finger action for days and pixie-like prancing in overdrive she is, in fact, SO HAPPY doin’ the Neutron Dance. And that makes me SO HAPPY for having written it.

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No one can accuse Garvin, the designer of this drunk matching 50’s couple, for thinking small: “Hip Nip can be used for Scotch, Mouthwash, Gin, Shave Lotion, Rye, Urine-analysis, Bicarb, Bourbon, Malted, Aspirins, Deodorant, Suntan oil and Hairdressing”.  His mate, Hot Nip, only promises “to keep you warm”.

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Hot Nip and Hip Nip are screen-printed and textured on soft plastic pint flasks.  They have rubber heads and a screw-on cap wedged into their fat wrestler necks.

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Although these are most valuable as a set, I’m not sure they were manufactured at the same time.  “©Garvin… Milbit Mfg Co, Inc” is in 9 point flush left and flush right type at the bottom of Hot Nip while “©Garvin-Milbit” is in 3 point type centered at the bottom of Hip Nip.  Though the discrepancy – most matched sets have consistent copyright info and placement – could also be because Garvin was out of room after he listed the voluminous amounts of substances that  could inhabit Hip Nip or perhaps had imbibed some of them before he started.

hip-nip-hot-nip,-bottles_9402-2              hip-nip-hot-nip,-bottles_9403-3“Milbit” is also carved into Hot Nip’s neck while Hip Nip’s remains bare:

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Hot Nip is rarer than Hip Nip though they are both very popular citizens in my kitchen kommunity of Kitch.

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Anything that took off as fast as Farrah’s hair did when Charlie’s Angels debuted in 1975 – 80% of females on earth immediately sheared their manes into replicas – insured immediate Kitsch Kollection status for all products released in association with the legendary locks. Although no one’s hair could have been further from Farrah’s than mine, I bought this bottle of Farrah Creme Rinse/Condtioner by Faberge the day it hit the shelves in 1978. I never intended to open it but a tragic haircutting mistake forced me to pop the cap and see if its magic powers worked.

This was in 1983. I had finally decided to chop down my middle-of-the-back length hair and the hairdresser, who I had never been to before, chose to give me a Farrah. Unfortunately, this was years past when it was hip to have all the little feathers and wisps that marked that haircut. Appalled that my heretofore trademark long curly hair was replaced with such a dated and and, at that point, conservative look I tried the conditioner praying it would somehow force my hair to match my head as well as Farrah’s matched hers.

When that didn’t work I locked myself in my house for thirty one days and every day cut a little more off one side of my hair thinking I would stumble on the ideal length and then cut the other side to match. As anyone who’s seen me in the 26 years since knows, I never committed and the lopsided experiment became permanent. Sometimes I read where people describe my hair as 80’s asymmetrical but to me it’s Farrah asymmetrical all the way.

Years later I met Farrah at a mutual friend’s house. She was really funny and incredibly nice. When she told me that she loved my hair I regaled her with the story of how it came to be. It made the biggest hair trauma of my life all worth it because I got to discuss The Farrah with Farrah.

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett.

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Not that we don’t need a toast to Peace but the last inebriant a hippie or flower child was thinking about was liquor in 1968 when this Bourbon decanter was unleashed. The incongruity of which is what pushes this 86 proof Limited Edition Royal Enfield Porcelain booze vessel by Maloney into the higher echelons of Kitsch. As is inevitable when a trend as powerful as hippydom sweeps the world, all bastions of the old guarde attempt to hop on the wagon and cash in.

I’ve collected about five each of these bottles and I’m always amazed at the glaze job on the hippie’s face – as if a full can of mace exploded and left him with that Michael Jackson skin thing. I could understand if one of my bottles was messed up but the burn victim look is consistent on all five. Which means the quality control guy at Maloney was probably out back smoking a joint when the bottles came down the line.

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I also love that the best thing the establishment could give the hippie to sit on was a garbage can:

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To peace!

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Almost anything painted on velvet attains instant Kitsch status but when it’s the two most iconic figures of all time together on the same velvet stage, well, that’s the koolest kind o’ Kitsch kick possible. I don’t know who would open for who but it’s one koncert I’d kill to kome to, me who rarely sees live music though I guess in this case the live thing wouldn’t be a problem.

This is velvet painting royalty no matter how you kut the kake. I hate people who make everything kute by using the first letter of the word they’re spotlighting the same in every word, in this case Kitsch. Sorry, I can’t kurb my kumpulsion to komply in the kompany of such Kings..

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I posted this one once before but it’s about hot dogs, it’s Memorial Day and this the best instructional weener video I’ve ever seen. Everything about it – the hand modeling of hot dogs, the abrupt editing, the dialog delivery, plates going out of frame, the product itself, not to mention the use of the American flags – all conspire to make this a klassic Kitsch theatrical event. Don’t miss the dreamy musical montage at the end… and have a glorious dog-filled Memorial Day!

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If only for the polyester bellbottomed poolside fashion shows and the razor blades embedded in Pam Grier’s afro, Friday Foster has attained classic blax- and kitschploitation status. This 1972 Dell comic book version, billed as “Action-packed excitment in the fashionable world of the Jet Set” features assistant photographer Foster gone Shaft in the aptly named timepiece, “The Beautiful People”.

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When it began life as a comic strip in The Chicago Tribune and its syndicated papers in 1970 Friday Foster was the first black character lead in a comic book. In 1975, the Friday Foster movie was released.  This is the first issue of the comic book, October, 1972.

See the trailer here

And oh yea, they still make Friday Foster dolls. Say hi to “Far-Out Friday”. 

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Here I am with James Brown in my studio in 1984 as we peruse one of my favorite Kitsch books, How To Sing For Money. The Godfather and I used to joke that it should have been called ‘How To Write For Money’ as there were so many ways songwriters got screwed out of royalties and credit, a situation that befell both of us numerous times.

I thought this would be an appropriate Kitsch O’ The Day post in view of my post yesterday on behalf of jilted songwriters everywhere. The book, only the top quarter of which is visible in this photo from Billboard magazine, was published in 1945. Maybe the advice worked back then but it’s irrelevant given the oil slick music industry of the last thirty years.

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I was, thank God, Reality TV before Reality TV existed as I filmed almost every significant moment of my life since I owned my first video cam in 1978. Here we are seconds after we read the book, writing an ode to my dog Orbit, a plain brown baked potato who Mr. Brown loved and let sleep on his mink coat whenever he came over.

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grammy-winning-85 Winning the Grammy in 1986

Yesterday I wrote an open email to a widely read music industry newsletter re the longstanding mistreatment of songwriters in the entertainment industry, veering off into the music industry ignoring the Internet until it had almost swallowed them up. Today, Mark Cuban posted this on his Facebook page which led to it spreading virally. I’ve had so many people email me and send me Facebook messages today I decided to post what I wrote myself:

Hi,  Bob (Lefsetz). I’m Allee Willis.  Songs I’ve written include September, Boogie Wonderland, Neutron Dance, What Have I Done To Deserve This, the Friends theme and the Broadway musical, The Color Purple.   One of my earliest hits, Lead Me On by Maxine Nightengale, was co-written with David Lasley, who Andre Pessis talked about in his email to you.  We also wrote the first cover I ever got, Got You On My Mind, by Bonnie Raitt in 1974.  I’m weighing in because in 1981, after getting hundreds of songs cut in just a couple of years, I was the first songwriter who tried to unionize writers because of all that Ellen Shipley wrote about and more. I was also the first pop songwriter I know of to embrace the Internet  in 1991.  I started designing a collaborative social network in 1992 and, much of that time with my then partner, Mark Cuban, got laughed out of publishing and record company offices when we suggested they take the Internet and all digital technologies seriously.

The  songwriting union never got off the ground as much because of the ever-confusing work for hire issue as the fear many songwriters had of being blackballed. Our mistreatment wasn’t the dirty little secret of the music industry.  If it were a secret that at least would have been something. In reality, it was a non issue, not even a notch in the totem pole of consciousness.

I’ve written with and for hundreds of incredible artists and my songs have been at the top of the Pop, R&B, Jazz, Country, Dance and Alternative charts. I absolutely love writing songs and composing scores. But with success came an emptiness from the 1001 ways to screw a songwriter, long accepted as standard industry practice. This was coupled with a growing trend that if you were a songwriter who wrote for artists or producers other than yourself what you had to write to get records was progressively more homogenized. The dumbing down killed me even more than the screwing.

Other things that made me nuts (and thankfully led to a massive branching out of my career beyond songwriting):  A) Writing up to ten songs for someone and only seeing one or two make the album despite being told repeatedly you’re the only writer working with them. (Where there’s no payment there’s no accountability.)   B) Artists and producers sitting on songs for months and years until they had enough of them that the earliest songs felt old and they were cast out like a homeless kitten with one leg.  C) Giving away pieces of publishing and songwriting shares just to get cuts lest your spot be filled by a more de-spirited and desperate songwriter than yourself.  D) Settling for mere songwriting credit when your demo was used as the actual record – I was literally told by a major female artist that I didn’t deserve credit as a producer or arranger as  I was “only the songwriter and that’s what songwriters do”. E) Babysitting artists who had absolutely zero songwriting chops, doing whatever it took to keep your brain functioning as they deliberated whether an ‘a’ or ‘the’ was better for their already idiotic lyric. I’ve often said that unless you were the artist yourself, being a songwriter was like changing towels in the restroom, only difference being that the restroom attendant got paid.

Probably because many of my early cuts were with instrumental artists like Herbie Hancock and Weather Report or male bands like Earth Wind & Fire, coupled with the fact that to this day I don’t know how to read, notate or play music, it was falsely assumed I was just a lyricist. I was given tons of tracks to put words to. Oftentimes I would spend 18 hour days putting words to whole songs only to be told when I handed them in that only the choruses were going to be sung.  Is songwriters’ time so less valuable than anyone else’s that they can’t be told this when they’re given the track?

And then there’s movie soundtracks, where songs are sent out as temp tracks to be copied by other writers.  One of the last straws for me was when I received a copy of my own song, Neutron Dance, already out on a Pointer Sisters’ LP, and told to rip it off for Beverly Hills Cop.  After my co-writer, Danny Sembello, and I stewed for a couple of weeks we decided no one could rip us off better than ourselves.  We wrote a parallel song that mimicked the lyric – Neutron Dance’s “I don’t want to take it anymore, I’ll just stay here locked behind the door” became “I can’t stay here while I go nowhere” in the new song.  We slightly adjusted the drum track. We never heard anything after we submitted it – another standard practice after you’re hounded to hand something in.  Three weeks before the film was released we found out that only because Jerry Bruckheimer pulled a tape out of his wastebasket that his song screener had passed on and checked it to make sure he could tape over it did he hear our copy song, Stir It Up,  and insist it go into the soundtrack.  They never found a better song than Neutron Dance and that stayed in too.  Not only did I win a Grammy for Best Soundtrack but, in one of my favorite musical moments, I was named one of the most dangerous subversives living in the United States by the Communist government when they mistranslated the song as Neutron Bomb.

A decade later, in fairly infamous songwriting lore, two of the three producers of Friends, a full year after the song was a hit, demanded songwriter royalties because they had given me notes.  I don’t know very many composers who write for film or tv who don’t get notes from producers or directors.  By that point I was full throttle into my interactive career, building my prototype for willisville, my social network, and spending every dime on it that I earned from consulting for Microsoft, AOL, Silicon Graphics, Electronic Arts, Fox, Disney, Warner Bros. and Intel, who partially funded the prototype build (tho in reality I was stuck adding music and visuals to an excessively dorky technology they had already invested in). So I just gave in and watched my share of the Friends theme plummet because, as I heard it, these producers always wanted to be composers.  To add insult to injury, The Rembrandts never agreed to the song being released as a single as they resented not writing it by themselves so despite it being one of the biggest airplay records of the year singles income was nil.

In 2006, I had songs in three of the Top 10 films of the Year  – Babel , Happy Feet and Night At The Museum.  I didn’t know about any of them until I sat in the theater and heard them. Then it meant spending money to hire someone to track them down and to see if I’d been paid. Shouldn’t the songwriter, not to mention co-copyright owner, be informed and allowed to negotiate when their songs are used?

Currently, I have a theme to a hit VH-1 show that’s already run one season and is filming the next right now.  The production company still hasn’t submitted cue sheets to BMI for season one and the credits are so small and run so fast no one can even see my name which, I guess, isn’t a real problem as songwriting credits aren’t even listed.

Fate in the theater world is not much better.  Depending on the producer, composers and lyricists have little to no say about the way their music is arranged or mixed or how their show is promoted. Musicals take an average of five years to write so this can be especially heartbreaking.

The blessing of all of this was that very early on I was so unhappy I started to paint, soon after motorizing my art to my music.  This led to art directing tons of music videos for people like The Cars, Debbie Harry and Heart. I kept writing songs, still loving the actual act of songwriting, and also because my publishing deals helped finance each new field I went into.  But music publishers were not great at recognizing the value of multi-media careers.  Brain dead might be a more accurate description.  Despite selling close to 50,000,000 records my advances were numbifyingly low compared to writers who had much less success.   As opposed to thinking a broad artistic vision might actually enhance the contribution I could make my multi-medianess was looked at as a threat to the number of songs I could churn out. The exception to publishers wearing blinders (altho the low advances still persisted) was Kathleen Carey at Unicity (MCA), who hooked me up with Pet Shop Boys by selling their manager some of my art which led to me being hired to do their portrait.  During the sitting Neil Tennant put it together that I was the same A. Willis on some of his favorite records and we started writing WHIDTDT that night.  And also, Judy Stakee at Warner/ Chappell, who took my interest in digital technology seriously and introduced me to Mark Cuban in 1992.  Despite this, W/C would hear nothing of removing my song quota and letting me function as their Internet liaison, scoffing at my predictions that things like CDs and record stores would cease to exist and radio play would become irrelevant.  Anyone who cites Napster as the official beginning of the fall of the record industry still has their head in the sand.

These days I’m living my dream, finally singing my own songs for the first time since my one and only Epic album, Childstar, in 1974, integrating the songs with my art, videos and online worlds.  My first video,  It’s A Woman Thang, has close to 1,000,000 views with no promotion at all and was a winner in the Viral category of the 2008 Webbies.  The second one was featured on YouTube and won four W3 awards. The latest, Hey Jerrie, featuring me and a  91 year old female drummer on an oxygen tank, was the twelfth most popular video in the world on YouTube within 48 hours of its release a few months ago. These days, a least if I get screwed I’m screwing myself, which is ultimately more satisfying as I can always get a meeting with the person doing the screwing.  I’ve been toying with business models on the web for eighteen years.  I may not be rich from it yet but I’m rich as an artist with a larger and larger loyal following which, ultimately, is the greatest reward of all.

Reinvention was always easier for me than letting my personality and pride be clubbed out of me like a baby seal. I have a had a blessed life. I have watched myself go from battered songwriter grabbing at whatever crumbs were thrown my way to a strong, centered and fearless artist. I’m  a better songwriter now than I ever was.  I still have the same old bullshit befall me as a songwriter but I don’t stick around long enough to suffer.   It’s been a long, concious battle but as Celie says in The Color Purple, “I’m Here”. Very much here.  I thank the publishers and record industry for doing to us what Wall St. and the banking industry did for the American people – take such advantage and pay us so little regard that we’re stripped back to nothing, individuals who now have more chance than ever to do something spectacular on their own and change the world.

Allee Willis