Anthropomorphic-pear__1734

I’m assuming this happy fellow is a pear although I’m not the world’s biggest fruit and vegetable eater and he does look wayyyy too green. But he’s too shapely to be a green pepper, too smooth to be an avocado and too leafy to be a lime so I’m sticking with pear and hope that any of them that happen to slide down my gullet are a little riper at point of entry.

I love anthropomorphic anything but especially vintage chalkware fruit as they’re always so happy. I especially love this guy because he’s so obviously homemade – lumpy, sloppily painted and bad teeth.

Anthropomorphic-pear_1737

top-chef-aw,-susan-_6417

Last night I went to the launch party for the new season of Bravo’s Top Chef Masters at Street, the restaurant I co-own in Los Angeles and home base for one of the competing TCMasters, Susan Feniger.

I met Susan in 1984 when my second art show ever, “Wear the Right Clothes Even at Home”, was at LA Eyeworks, the first store ever to make outrageous, personality filled eyeglass frames, and the tiny restaurant next door, City Cafe, later the original Border Grill, where Susan and Mary Sue Milliken were the chefs. The food was as outrageous as the eyeglasses and without question this was THE hot spot on Melrose back in the day. My art was pretty good too, including the unveiling of my motorized art version of my hit song, “Boogie Wonderland”.

top-chef-border-grill

The next year Susan and Mary Sue opened City, my all time favorite restaurant ever in the world, on La Brea and 2nd. I had my own column in Details magazine at the time, “Some like It Smog”, a diary of my daily life, and every column included the fact that I was sitting at City writing a song, meeting someone or throwing a party there like my big 4-0 that included Luther Vandross singing me Happy Birthday accompanied by my latest talent discoveries, the octogenarian go-go booted singing sensations, The Del Rubio Triplets.

top-chef-city-bday

City was my home away from home and the first and last time that octopus was ever my favorite dish. I never got over when it closed in the early 90’s and longed for the day when I had another restaurant to hang out in like that.

Every time Susan and Mary Sue opened another restaurant after that they asked me to invest. I was usually coming off a big hit but oftentimes the money that trickles down to the songwriter is so much less than legend has it it can induce cardiac arrest.  So one by one I had to pass.  They opened up a much larger version of Border Grill in Santa Monica and later in Las Vegas and in 1998 opened Ciudad downtown. All these restaurants were fantastic, exceedingly  experimental and creative in their world vision of food. Susan and Mary Sue were also among the first chefs ever to have their own show on the Food Network, “Too Hot Tamales“.  Finally, when Susan went out on her own to raise money to open Street, my musical, The Color Purple, had just opened on Broadway and I was IN!

Top-chef-tcp

Street opened in March, 2009.  It’s fantastic, a total food adventure and usually where I am if I’m not at home.

Now back to last night and Top Chef Masters…

top-chef_6394

The party was totally happening, especially because Susan and her partner, Chef Tony Mantuano, won BOTH challenges and will be back to compete in the finals starting May 5th!

top-chef-tv_6400

But I made a pretty basic mistake for someone who’s gonna blog about food. I forgot to take photos of any of it we were served as I was so busy trying to get shots off the screen with my camera constantly hiccuping as it tried to adjust to the light and fast-paced editing.  Most of my shots look like they were taken from a roller coaster. I got numerous photos of my pants when the shots changed to other competing chefs and the flash finally went off as I lowered my camera under the table accompanied by a volley of audible “motherf*&#ker!”s.

top-chef-pants_6401

However, herein lies the advantage of writing a blog called ‘Kitsch O’ The Day’. It’s the ULTIMATE Kitsch to miss so many photo opportunities not to mention forgetting to photograph the very thing you’re blogging about, food. So I’m at least proud of the fact that I lived up to my blog’s name. I also forgot to shoot overhead shots of the 350 people jammed into the restaurant that normally only seats 100. I was too full and, as LA is in the grips of the worst allergy season in memory, my head too swimmy to remember such basics as these. So try to imagine constant choruses of “oohs” and “ahs” as neverending trays of Street specialties like Paani Puri, Lamb Kafta Meatballs, Brazilian Acaraje and Japanese Shizo Shrimp were passed around with little bottles of signature Street vodka drinks. On the patio, tables were the laden with a family style sit-down feast that folks busted into like pigs at the trough. Here’s the menu (in lieu of the forgotten photographs):

top-chef-menu_6421

The last dish, Malaysian Clams & Capriotada Bread Pudding, was the dish that Susan won the second challenge with, swapping clams for shrimp as Whole Foods, where the teams shopped, only had two clams in the entire store.

top-chef-black-pepper_6420

Insanely blurry I know. Blame it on the vodka with a hit of allergies.

The first Quick Fire challenge was one I could have nailed. The chefs were driven to Chinatown only to pull into a gas station to shop. This is a food palette I’m quite familiar with, non-chef/fast food junkie that I am. Susan and Tony did us proud with their top scoring Maple Bread Pudding With Caramelized Bananas.

top-chef-bread-pudding_6407

Susan narrated the evening standing on a windowsill that divides the inside of the restaurant from the outside patio.

top-chef-window_6388

What’s so fantastic for me is that Street embodies all of the creative tenets I live by. It’s casual and serious at the same time, ever evolving, spontaneous and so far out of the box the sides aren’t even in sight.

I had lots of friends there and we all left equally stuffed.

Barbara McReynolds, me, Susan Feniger, Karen Levitas, Rhonda Saboff:top-chef-eyeworks_6367

Prudence Fenton, Jordan Vadnais, me, Ryan Hartigan:top-chef-jordan_6368

Me and Vicki Randall, from the Tonight Show Band:top-chef-vicki_6371

All proceeds from the night, both at the restaurant and from Top Chef Masters, went to Susan’s favorite charity which she’s been working with for 25 years, the Scleroderma Research Foundation. You can make a donation now too: https://www.srfcure.org/donate?view=donation.  Make sure and say your gift is in honor of Susan Feniger. 100 clams or or more will get you an autographed cookbook. $500 or more will pop you in a seat at the May 25th “Cool Comedy – Hot Cuisine” event in LA featuring Susan’s food and appearances by Ray Romano, Bob Saget, Bill Bellamy, Craig Ferguson and other special guests.  I’ll be there too (unless I’m chugging away at Street).

Photo credit: Prudence Fenton, Allee Wills

matzo-sweeper_Master

Passover means Seder, Seder means matzoh and matzoh means crumbs. But fear not, the Matzah Sweeper is here, a convenient crumb caddy made from plastic that could not have cost the manufacturer much gelt because it’s so clunky to use.  After having decimated at least half a box of matzoh trying to get my favorite unleavened bread topping, peanut butter and jelly, spread evenly across it there were enough crumbs to make it look like my kitchen table was covered with snow.  But despite the fact that it says “press here”…

matzo-sweeper_6030

after five minutes of trying to pry it open pressing everywhere imaginable I gave up trying to crack the Matzah Sweeper open to dump the crumbs. I finally used it, full of crumbs,  as a  percussion shaker on a song I was working on yesterday. The trade-off worked out nicely.

matzoh-sweeper_6188

One of my favorite things from a Kitsch perspective about matzoh is that there’s no clear correct spelling of the name. Sometimes it’s matzo, sometimes it’s matzoh and for the Rite Lite company of Brooklyn, New York it’s apparently ‘matzah’.

matzoh-sweeper_6187

And now, an extra Passover bonus! Please enjoy The Temptations circa 1968 singing a Fiddler on the Roof medley. The visual quality of this clip is beyond chaluscious (sp? Yiddish for ‘atrocious’) but to hear this score sung this way will add a little pinch o’ soul to the matzo brei and gefilte fish and ensure you stay in the groove this Passover season.

temptations-Fiddler

jewish-cowbook-manishewitz-record_6219

Manischewitz is the premier manufacturer of kosher foods. I can’t tell you how many boxes of their matzo or those squared off bottles of wine sat upon seder tables of my youth but one Manischewitz product I never saw before is this special edition single released in 1958. I never even knew there were Jewish cowboys let alone that Harold Stern was one of them.

jewish-cowbook-manishewitz-record_6224

Stern regales us with almost 9 minutes of chatter about being a Jewish cowboy and the joys of Manischewitz.

jewish-cowbook-manishewitz-record_6225

Many famous songwriters have been Jewish, among them the very founders  of Pop music like George Gershwin, Irving Berlin and Oscar Hammerstein, but who knew about “Avram”?!

jewish-cowbook-manishewitz-record_6226

This record is fascinating for many reasons, not the least of which is that it was put out by a big legitimate company yet it’s just a demo, not an officially recorded record.

jewish-cowbook-manishewitz-record_6229

I personally usually love demos, what the songwriter records as their idea of the song, better than the actual records made of them. But back in the day, very few people who couldn’t afford to go the full record route copped to the fact that what they were putting out was the demo. Here they didn’t even spring for a back label.

jewish-cowbook-manishewitz-record_6230

Who knew that Centerville, Texas was such a hotbed of religious passion?

jewish-cowbook-manishewitz-record_6223

I always liked Peanut butter and jelly on my matzo.  Perhaps I’ll crack open a box and spread a little of that on now, fill my Swinger Glass with  grape wine and lie back and enjoy all the fruits of Manischewitz and The Jewish Cowboy’s labor.

jewish-cowbook-manishewitz-record_6228


beer-nut-dishes_6185

I first got into throwing parties, my favorite thing to do among everything I do, by inviting friends over on Sunday afternoons to watch Bad movies. I was long aware that environment totally influences anything that happens inside of it and the bad films allowed me to ratchet up my collection of Kitsch to enhance viewer experience. Grabbing candy out of a plain white bowl was just that, grabbing candy out of a plain white bowl, but sticking your hand into something like these incredibly cheap sawed-in-half plastic beer bottles acted like Mind Control pulling my guests further into the inane madness of classics like  “Monster from the Surf”, “The Lonely Lady”, “Attack of the Mushroom People”, “Black Shampoo”, “Plan Nine from Outer Space”, “Puma Man” and other Academy-Award-worthy nominees for Worst Film Ever in my never-ending collection of cinematic clunkers.

There are several things that set these ‘novelty nut dishes’ apart as outstanding artifacts of Kitsch. 1) They’re so incredibly cheaply made that they crack as soon as you breathe on them:

beer-nut-dishes_6188

2) They’re apparently called “Beer Friend”…

beer-nut-dishes_5804

… though the name “Beer Friend” appears nowhere on the box:

beer-nut-dishes_5806

3) The realllllly cheap, mushy, squishy cardboard box with its 4) tag line, “Perfect for candy, too”, with a misplaced comma not to mention the aforementioned 2) absolutely no mention of “Beer Friend” despite it being embossed in big letters on the back of the “bottles”.

beer-nut-dishes_5807

If you’re not doing anything  when you read this grab some nuts and a cold beer (neither of which are particular favorites of mine) and watch one of the above mentioned movies. Your day will improve immensely.

fish-S&P's_5839

Although one of these little fish was a victim of the 1994 LA earthquake and lost the tip of her fin this happy couple are still among my favorite salt-and-pepper shakers in my collection of 1000 or so vintage ones. Though any ceramic animal, fish, vegetable or otherwise that has eyelashes immediately leaps it to a higher ranking in the army of Kitsch over here.

The only drag about these stone cold 1950’s/ Made in Japan amphibians is that the holes drilled for the S&P to come through are so huge that once you flip the fish over the entire Morton Salt mine blankets the food like an avalanche. Over the years I’ve learned how to bend my wrist just so in order to release the desired amount but they still terrorize dinner guests if I haven’t remembered to swap them out for a pair with more delicate holeage.

fish-s&ps_5827 fish-S&P's_5841 fish-S&P's_5840 fish-S&P's_5843

Bing-Crosby-ice-cream_6197

Unless you were Frank Sinatra Bing Crosby was about as big as you could get in the 1950’s. Big enough to rule the Hit Parade AND in 1953 get his own brand of ice cream. He even owned the brand, Bing Crosby Ice Cream Sales, Inc., Hollywood, California, which he licensed to Valley Farm’s (excellent use of a misplaced apostrophe) who  promised that the contents was of  “Cream of the Stars” quality.

Bing-Crosby-ice-cream_6196

This carton was one of my earliest vintage possessions. When I first started  seriously collecting in the early ’70s I used to spot these  in thrift shops all the time. In the 80’s I used them a lot in my collage art figuring I’d always be able to find more. But now they’ve gotten appropriately rare so all I have left is this one faded carton with hardly any Bing left and a photo of a flattened carton I took when I stumbled on a whole case of them back in the day.

BingCrosbyIceCream-flat

I wish there was still ice cream in the carton because if it was half as smooth as Bing sang it would be one tasty lump of sugar stuff. And it certainly would’ve gone well with the Allee Willis Ho Ho (yes, that’s the real name) dessert I shared last night at Street, my fave restaurant in LA (which I co-own), with John Lloyd Young, who won a Tony for playing Frankie Valli in Jersey Boys (to which my very own Color Purple lost for Best Musical in 2006). John’s as smooth a singer as Bing.

JLY,aw-street2_6997

You may think it’s a stretch to connect an ice cream carton to Ho Hos and then to John but if you knew what we were cooking up together you would  see that it was the most direct link possible. Let’s just say that John loves cartons and I love what John does to cartons and Bing Crosby graced a carton so all ends meet perfectly in the middle.

IMG_4878box Bing-Crosby-ice-cream_6195

PW-whiska

Pigmy Will and Feathers – created, written, art directed and “acted” by me and Prudence Fenton, animation and special effects director for Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and all around the animated visual genius – have added a new friend to their neighborhood. Whiska,  a pineapple who sees the world through polar opposite eyes than Pigmy or Feathers and who tricycles into town in this introductory episode (if I can be so generous and label something an episode that consists of a few seconds of poorly drawn and animated nonsense).

Pigmy Will is a prince of Kitsch and exemplifies what I love most about the genre, an eternally positive and happy outlook on life, choosing to forge ahead on one’s own individual path despite what anyone else may think about it.

Other Pigmy Will faves:

Pie Day

“The Counter

“The Boat Ride

“SOS#1

Pigmy Will Holdings

La Bamba

drunken-cucumber-man

To any of you having company over today I’d like to suggest this insane little dip with a sloshed, poorly cut cucumber complete with little olive ring burp bubbles lying in a vat of fruity stuff. I have no idea what this actually tastes like but the arts and crafts aspects of it are spectacular and dips in general tower high on the Kitsch Top 10 of conversation sparking party foods.

Thank you, aKitschionado Nessa, for submitting this gem to the Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch at awmok.com! According to Nessa, “This was on the buffet at a church dinner my mom talked me into going to with her. There were little nuns in full habits spreading this stuff on toast.”  Nuns presenting a dip featuring anything drunk is excellence in Kitsch no matter how you dole it out.

I love food art anyway but there are several outstanding features that make me love Drunken Cucumber Man more than anything:
• Of course, the fact that he’s drunk and is served at a church smorgasbord.
• The fact that the arms aren’t attached to the shoulders and the way the shoulders are attached to the torso is so much larger than the little skinny arms that should be attached to that.
• The fact that the dip is “some sort of fruity stuff”.
• LOVE the bottle but couldn’t they have attached it to his hand?
• LOVE the pimento tongue.
• Skinny Legs and All
• Love the inside of the cucumber as a hat texture.

If the nun who cooked this lived in LA I’d invite her to come to my next pot luck party. In the meantime, I’m pretty sure Drunken Cucumber Man dip will be present one way or the other.

french-fry-clock_6168

Everything about this clock is wrong, not the least of which is trying to get away with looking like it comes from McDonald’s when it’s actually from the M. A Collection in China whatever that is. Made of chunky hard rubber yellower-than-mac-‘n-cheese-made-with-3-pounds-of-Velveeta yellow french fries popping out of a red fry bag…

french-fry-clock_5797

…with a not quite centered clock in it, I got this as a gift in 1995. I’ve never changed the battery and for 15 years have watched the little yellow hand twitch as it tries to push itself past the 12. Apparently more money was spent on the batteries than making the clock.

french-fry-clock_5794

Although it’s completely hollow the french fry clock weighs a ton.  Literally, it weighs over 4 pounds and I can’t figure out why. And there’s this strange bowling pin shape etched into the back…

french-fry-clock_5799

…with no apparent purpose other than the designer apparently liked the shape.

french-fry-clock_5800

Although one might assume it would pop out so it can be hung, unless you consider hiring a pile driver to pound it out there’s no way that sucker’s leaving the lead-heavy rubber anytime soon.

Despite its shortcomings or maybe because of them I’m strangely and loyally attached to this clock. Many things have come and gone in my kitchen since I owned it but the fries ain’t goin nowhere (mainly because they’re too heavy to lift).

french-fry-clock_5802 french-fry-clock_5801