30Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Never Too Much Madonna Inn

30Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Never Too Much Madonna Inn

Heading out of LA last Thursday on the 5 was a mess.  An overturned 20-wheeler heading south spilled oranges, lemons and an entire tank of fuel, cloggin up both sides of the freeway like cholestrol in arteries. My travel mate, Snappy P, and I almost had an anuerism baking in the 106 degree sun at a standstill on the fuel-with-lemon-zested highway. So we cut over on 126 to the 101, which added a couple hours onto the trip but also took us past one of the most blessed sights in California, The Madonna Inn, in San Luis Obispo.

If you haven’t been there, the Madonna is a wonderland of kitsch with a kapitol K, with over 100 themed-to-the-nines-and-then-some rooms and a dining area that would bring Liberace to his knees.  I’ve blogged about this place before, but were I to write a book on it there still wouldn’t be enough room to shower enough praise on this architectural and decorating masterpiece. So please enjoy this tip-of-the-kitschberg look around and, without question, if you’re ever on the 101, The Madonna Inn is mere miles from Hearst Castle and, if you’re reading THIS blog, it’s where your tour really should take place.

It’s easy to spot the 20 foot high sign from the freeway:

We didn’t pull in until after 10 PM so unfortunately it was too dark to adequately photograph the exterior. But you can certainly see from this that a little something special is going on:

Just to the left of that fountain is the entrance to the dining rooms:

Go through those doors and you walk into this:

My eyes are  always too busy attempting to take in everything in the main dining room, The Gold Rush Steak House, to focus much on the food, which happens to be excellent.  Take a look around while I munch on something now.

Here’s the reservation desk:

There’s even a dance floor and live band:

And LOTS of mirrors:

And an excellent selection of 50’s chairs if you just want to sit and drink.

If the sugar is this color at The Madonna Inn you can only imagine what the drinks look like:

If you decide you want to do a little clothes shopping during your meal you can hit the stairs to hit the racks:

Despite being loaded down with about ten pounds of prime rib, it’s worth making the climb because of clothing like this:

Let’s take a closer look at that bedazzling:

I would, however, suggest taking the stairs across the room:

They feature these banisters…

…that pass by this door…

… and these portraits of the owners that are nested on either side of the most astounding grape light in history:

Those portraits are a good five feet high so imagine the grandeur of that giant barrel that the resin grapes are tumbling out of as the cherub blesses the wine on the other side of the rock wall. I would say it couldn’t get any better except that at the bottom of the stairs is a penny crushing machine:

Of course, you could have always chosen this stairway:

But then it wouldn’t have led to this bathroom…:

…with this ceiling…

…and these stall doors…:

…and this pink marble and (unfortunately not flocked) gold and pink wallpaper.:

It’s always nice when the bathroom is conveniently located next to the wine cellar:

God knows, there’s miles more to see at The Madonna Inn, like the coffee shop next door to The Gold Rush:

But I’ve got to save something for next time. For as many years as I’ve stopped here to eat and relieve myself, I’ve never stayed overnight.  Which means that I’ve never actually stepped into in any of the rooms. From what I’ve heard and googled, these make the dining area look like the kitsch minor leagues. One day this will happen, especially as I’m thinking of having my birthday party there this year. And when it does, I’ll probably be celebrating in The Caveman:

Or maybe the Old Mill…

Or maybe the Vous:


E vous?

23Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Soul O’ The Day – R.I.P. Ashford, Leiber and Ragavoy

23Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Soul O’ The Day – R.I.P. Ashford, Leiber and Ragavoy

What are the odds of losing two of the most influential songwriters of all time on the same day?  That’s what happened yesterday. First, Jerry Lieber, whose “Hound Dog” got the Elvis-not-to-mention-Rock-‘n-Roll train rolling, and then Nick Ashford, a songwriter whose influence on me was immeasurable. I never met Jerry, though I wrote  a bunch of songs with his son, Oliver, in the early 90’s. But Nick I knew and loved. Not just as a songwriter who wrote my favorite song of all time but as one of nicest guys around. His eyes always sparkled, he was always smiling and soul oozed out of him as naturally as breath.

Along with his brilliant wife and collaborator, Valerie Simpson, Nick turned out the kind of songs that made my songwriting head spin. Can you say “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”?! How does a song get any better than that?? In any of the zillions of versions of it that exist? And that’s just the tip of the hitberg.

When my musical, The Color Purple, opened on Broadway, Nick and Val were there. And when Chaka Kahn came in as Sofia a couple of years later they were there again. I don’t know where Valerie was for this shot with me, my Color Purple collaborator, Brenda Russell, and Patti LaBelle, the singer who first started regularly doing my songs back in the day, but that big smile was typical of how Nick always walked around.

Nick and Val also came to the Broadway opening of Hot Feet, the Earth Wind & Fire musical I had seven songs in. Here we are with Maurice White, founder and lead singer of EWF and who gave me the biggest break of my career with “September” and all that followed, and LaChanze, who won a Tony for playing Celie in The Color Purple.

Nick and Val were among the most supportive songwriters ever. I can’t even tell you how incredible it made me feel as a songwriter every time they told me how much they loved my music.

Which is amazing because the only time I ever got to work with them was on a really stinky song in a really stinky movie. In 1987, Scott Sanders, who later produced The Color Purple, managed Ashford & Simpson and asked me to write and produce a song for them. My collaborator, Danny Sembello‘s, mom got very sick right after we began and he had to bow out of the project. I was in way over my head without him. If you know bad movies and didn’t know I did the song that everyone dances to in the infamous McDonalds scene,“Down To Earth”, in the kitschingly horrendous Mac and Me, I know you’re plotzing now. And you certainly can’t imagine royalty like Ashford & Simpson gracing that mess either. So even more impressive that they remained so kind and supportive of me through the years. But I shouldn’t be talking about bad songs when honoring such an iconic being as Nick Ashford. Everyone should be as blessed to have such a joyous soul in their life.

Just a few weeks ago another iconic songwriter and friend passed, Jerry Ragovoy. Not only did he write such gems as “Piece Of My Heart” and “Time Is On My Side”, but he discovered an unknown songwriter named Allee Willis and produced her one and only album, Childstar, in 1974.

This hasn’t been a very happy month for songwriters. Though if I think about the jam going on upstairs it makes me smile. Besides, these are the kind of guys that live forever. R.I.P. Jerry Leiber, Nick Ashford and Jerry Ragovoy. If ever there were Rock ‘n Roll royalty this is it.

 

22Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Twinkie The Kid Twinkie Case

22Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Twinkie The Kid Twinkie Case

If you know anything about Twinkies you know they are virtually indestructible, baked to last…and last…and last some more. Short of throwing a twinkie into a kiln, it takes an eternity for the thing to dry out, even if it’s long escaped its plastic packaging. But self sufficient or not, Twinkie The Kid is the perfect road companion for your creme filled bundle of spongy and ageless sugar fun.

I’m not at all sure how a cowboy fits the baked goods picture, but the cowboy hat is very easy to flip up and insert the sugary log into.

Although of no practical use whatsoever other than getting caught in things and breaking off easily, I really like The Kid’s little Pillsbury dough boy hands.

His boots are cute too, though getting Twinkie Boy to stand up on his own, especially if he’s fully loaded, is not an easy feat.

Cases for food like this always intrigue me. I understand a case for something perishable like fruits and vegetables, like say for a banana.

But something as stupid looking as The Twinkie Kid could easily trick a kid into thinking the foodstuff within is fresh and therefore good for them, if not as much fun as the casing. But anyone who’s going to jam a Twinkie down their gullet doesn’t need the inducement of glimmering plastic with stupid looking body parts, even if it’s lying there lifeless with the same balancing proclivites as the Twinkie itself.

This Twinkie The Kid showed up at my last party.

Many guests were jealous of him:

The only question I have is if you love Twinkies it’s hard to stop at just one, so I wonder if there’s a Twinkie cowgirl lurking around somewhere? The Kid is on the prowl and so am I.

 

Thank you, aKitschionado Douglas Wood, for your generous contribution of one Twinkie The Kid to the Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch @ AWMOK.com.

 

16Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Kleenex Man Size Tissues Pillow

16Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Kleenex Man Size Tissues Pillow

Are men’s noses really snottier than women’s? Do they run more? Does a woman with a bad cold honestly deserve a smaller size tissue than a man with the same malady? According to this decades old commercial, I guess so:

Male or female, big nose or small, I was pretty happy to find this macho-sized pillow for five bucks at the Pasadena City College flea market last week.

The pillow’s a beefy 23″ x 12″ x 2.75″, proportioned exactly like the box of tissues itself.

Kleenex Man Size is a great period piece of Pop Art.

The choice of manly transportation modes on the box and pillow replica are slightly curious though in that they consist of three trains and one plane. What, no Maserati, Ferrari or monster truck?

And isn’t this plane upside down?:

I guess it looks the same no matter which way you flip it and we must rely on the man in control to land it right. Although in 1973, when many men were blowing their noses into Kleenex Man Size, Bobby Riggs was toppled by Billie Jean King in the tennis “Battle Of the Sexes” and sent the Women’s Lib movement soaring into the stratosphere much like the plane on Kleenex Man Size.

Which made many men weep.  And grab for their box of Kleenex Man Size. Just like I’m grabbing for the Man Size right now.

 

 

15Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Lenny Dee’s King’s Inn Peekaboo Window Glass

15Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Lenny Dee’s King’s Inn Peekaboo Window Glass

Several things about this glass have all the earmarks of Kitsch with a kapital K. First of all, it’s from a piano bar restaurant. Second, the name Lenny Dee is a perfect name for a player at a piano bar. Third, there’s Lenny himself, festooned in the perfect polyester outfit, visible through the oval peekaboo window on the front of the glass. Fourth, the piano keys go all the way around the glass as opposed to just in the front.

I’m not sure what’s happening on Lenny’s ultra long 70’s pointy collar polyester shirt but it’s the perfect design complement to the piano keys above him. Lenny’s comb-over and especially hairy hands are also excellent graphic touches for a drinking glass.

In case you can’t get a clear shot of Lenny once your glass is filled with liquid, there’s a non-peekaboo photo of him on the back.

I’m assuming the ‘O’ around Lenny’s head is a record and not a halo:

Then again, maybe it’s an ‘O’ and his last name is O’Dee and not Dee.  This led me to google Lenny.

I found out that Lenny no-O Dee made a few records and was an awesome organist. Just listen:

He was quite the talker too:

Treasure Island, Florida appears to be the perfect place for Lenny to be doing his magic.

According to Wikipedia, “Treasure Island got its name after several property owners attempted to boost sales of the properties by first burying and then “discovering” a couple of wooden chests on the beach. After claiming the chests were filled with treasure the news of the discovery quickly spread and people began calling the island Treasure Island.”

I think Lenny Dee is the buried treasure (he passed away in 2006). I’ve had this glass staring at me in my kitchen for years but only now decided to see who Lenny actually was. His organ sound slays me – he worked hard getting all that reverb – and I shall forever enjoy drinking out of him!


12Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Bye Bye, Milly… Off to deliver a eulogy…

12Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Bye Bye, Milly… Off to deliver a eulogy…

No new aKitschionado posts until tomorrow as I have to leave early this morning to go to Milly Del Rubio’s funeral where, as I did for both of her sisters, Elena and Eadie, I’ll be delivering the eulogy. Normally this would be a very upsetting task, but as all three of the Del Rubio Triplets were fond of saying, they were “three people with one head” and never could live with the thought of the group not being together. I’m at peace that they’re finally reunited, as Eadie passed in 1996 and Eleana joined her in 2001.

I thought about dropping ‘Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day’ from the title of my post today but if ever I were to worship at the throne of Kitsch it would be at the base of three magnificent thrones with gold nameplates that say “Del Rubio”.

I should also mention that Holy Cross Cemetery, where the triplets are buried next to each other by the time you read this, is right across the street from the Fox Hills Mall, where I got this:

I constantly get complements on how gorgeous this microphone pendant is. No doubt the complement flingers think it’s real diamonds but all that bling only cost $39.99. Not that I need a funeral as an excuse to go to the Fox Hills Mall, but if anyone would appreciate fantastic music-themed jewelry like this it would be the Del Rubio Triplets.

Milly, I know how long you’ve wanted to go and be with your sisters so I’m not sad to lose you now.

I trust that the three of you are already assembled in front of glowing diamond microphones, singing the out-of-this-world harmonies you sang even here on earth, and standing in the order you were born in, stood on stage in and did everything in life in; Eadie on the left, Elena in the middle and Milly now joining on the right.

Peace out.

10Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Being Even More Fluff – Part 2

10Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Being Even More Fluff – Part 2

So as I was saying yesterday, this last weekend at Willis Wonderland we aKitschionados from The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch saw the light of Fluff!

For a quick recap if you were too lazy to click on that link, many of us are converging on Somerville, MA. September 24th to attend the fifth annual Fluff Festival to celebrate the marshmallow food topping in the city it was invented in. aKitschionado Rusty suggested that we first convene at Willis Wonderland in LA, the physical arm of AWMOK.com, and spend a day cooking with Fluff. Bear in mind that many of the aKitschionados in attendance had never met before and only knew each other by commenting on the kitsch they’d submitted to AWMOK. So everything served had to be a real icebreaker. As such, the first course was Fluff inspired sandwiches…:

… accompanied by Goldfish in sea foam dip vegetables:

All of which was washed down with Flufftinis…:

…an original recipe by aKitschionado iamfluff, a.k.a. Susan Olsen, a.k.a. Cindy Brady of the Bunch:

Extra points were earned for color-coordinated food, dishware and clothing:

Even more points racked up for color-coordinated lamps and other sugary Fluff alternatives:

aKitschionado Mark Blackwell scored even more bonus points for coordinating his jellybean tribute to The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch with the aforementioned lamp and M&Ms.

I hope anyone reading this appreciates the importance of color-coordinated meals and accoutrements. If there’s any question at all about the importance of food and furnishings color-coordination, please refer here.

The main course was delicious and nutritious Fluffernutter cake. I know this photo’s blurry but so was my vision after the day’s 21-gun sugar salute.

If you think that cake is gooey, let me tell you that as the party hostess who had to clean up – actually I didn’t clean up at all as the aKitschionados are a very conscious and esthetically tidy breed – there were vestiges of Fluff everywhere. Like on Mark’s pants:

Slightly less lava-flowish-of-Fluff were the fried S’Mores made by akitschionado Snappy P.

Technically, there’s no Fluff in this recipe but as its fraternal twin, marshmallows, are a key ingredient the Willis Wonderland stove did not discriminate.

Many aKitschionados came bearing gifts. Doug Wood, for example, brought me a lovely kitsch-filled basket:.

One of the gifts was a practical Hostess Twinkie holder:

Many aKitschionados were jealous of my acquisition:

Just as important as protecting your Twinkies is protecting your Pringles. Thank you, aKitschionado Windupkitty, for the lovely Pringles protective case.

By the way, a practical party hint: name tags are essential. Even if your guests know each other for a hundred years it gives them an opportunity to express what they’re feeling in name, which acts as much of an icebreaker at a party as food no one has eaten since they were 11 years old.

It also saves the host or hostess time in making introductions.

As I said, the bulk of the day’s festivities centered around cooking and eating. But aKitschionados were free to wander around Willis Wonderland to enjoy the artifacts they’ve been seeing in my posts since I first launched AWMOK.com in 2009. Many of them also enjoyed the fine reading materials scattered around.

and

That book deserves a close up:

In fact, my whole Soul kitsch collection deserves a close-up. Here’s but a few of the shelves of it:

I think Fluff is a soulful food. It recalls one’s childhood and brings feelings of peace to the mind if not the blood vessels, as aKitschionado John Zenone experiences here:

Off in my recording studio, I was showing some of the aKitschionados some more of my Soul kitsch collection:

You might want to see the front of that picture frame:

As much as I covet my James Brown autograph, I covet this bit of Soul kitsch almost as much, Sammy Davis Jr’s last stash of marijuana:

Slightly easier to see than the cannabis in that last photo are the edges of the round circle rugs that cover the floor in my recording studio. They’re there to protect the plastic that’s actually the floor surface that scratches as soon as you breathe on it. Here’s what the floor looks like in real life:

Despite signs posted all over begging aKitschionados to carefully step on the rugs, several of them found it necessary to defy their leader’s command. Bad girl, kookykitsch!

And Meshuggah Mel!

And Rusty!

And Ken!

Although it was close to 100° and muggy, we also spent time outside.  That’s where my over 200 pieces of bamboo dinnerware are.

And for anyone who missed the sugar inside, there was plenty of cotton candy floating in the pool.

Food that floats is something every party chef should consider when throwing summer parties.

So all in all, a good and Fluffy time was had by all!  Come back again soon, aKitschionados. See you all in Somerville in “September” one way or the other.

 

Photos: Allee Willis, Prudence Fenton, Mark Blackwell, Rusty Blasenhoff, Ken Dashner.

09Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Being Even More Fluff – Part 1

09Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Being Even More Fluff – Part 1

So the Fluff gang, most of whom flew down from the Oakland/Palo Alto area, have all boarded planes and taken their Fluff-filled tummies home after an extraordinary weekend of sugar highs and flea marketing. As I said on Sunday when I documented some of the fluff-tweaked tasty treats that filled our gullets, between everyone’s cameras there are literally thousands of shots to go through. This is also a huge music deadline week for me and one during which I should be working on my live show, Allee Willis’ Soup To Nuts Party Mix, my first live performance since walking off stage in the middle of my own show in 1974. So I’m going to do this most fluffy Fluff post in pieces, one for each day it takes for my sugar levels to return to normal. So please tune in tomorrow to get the full picture of the marshmallow madness that took place at Willis Wonderland this weekend and from which I am still pulling Fluff off the walls and my clothes.

This whole Fluff thing came about because aKitschionado Rusty Blazenhoff, who threw me a party without even knowing me when I drove up to Alameda for Meshuggah Mel and Kookykitsch’s Clean House garage sale in May, suggested that members of The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch take a field trip to the annual Fluff Festival in Somerville, MA. this September. She also suggested a preliminary field trip to Willis Wonderland for a day of cooking with Fluff so we were all up-to-speed on the foodstuff.

Guests were slated to arrive here last Saturday at 12:02 PM, a time mutually voted on by the attending aKitschionados. First to hit the deck was Windupkitty.

To put the attendees in the proper brain-frame, Windup assisted me in making a lovely and nutritious lunch of Cheez Whiz, peanut butter and jelly, egg salad, and fluffernutter sandwiches.

The vegetable portion of the meal was Goldfish in Blue Seafoam Dip.

A good party hostess always thinks about theme-appropriate serving pieces, in this case a dead-on match for the Goldfish.

Appropriate glassware is equally important. Although Disco has absolutely nothing to do with Fluff, Disco anything is appropriate for absolutely everything in a kitsch universe.

The cup goes well with many of the other Disco accoutrements at Willis Wonderland.

It’s really too bad you can’t see aKitschionado John Zenone’s glass better in that photo with my Disco cup. Here it is:

If only Helen Reddy had been in attendance on Saturday it would have been an even Fluffier day! But Disco and Helen Reddy aside, our real purpose was to glorify Fluff, the marshmallow food topping that most of us are flying to Somerville to celebrate and where I, along with Susan Olsen, a.k.a. Cindy Brady, the youngest of The B Bunch, will be riding atop a Fluff float. So obsessed with Fluff is Susan that she glorifies it in her art. Here’s “Fluffaganesh”:

As such, Susan started off the afternoon serving her signature Flufftinis, Fluff and cotton candy rimmed glasses holding enough whipped cream vodka to anesthetize a horse.

Here’s akitschionado Meshuggah Mel enjoying a delicious Fluffitini:

.

Most of the Fluff-glued cotton candy was still standing tall on Mel’s glass but you can see the effect the vodka has on such foodstuffs in aKitschionado John Z’s drink as it liquefies the sugary stuff and all kinds of colors start globbing down into the liquor and Fluff-filled glass.

You might also notice the beautiful pendant that John is wearing. I hand-made souvenir Fluff baubles for all the attendees.

Here’s a closer look:

But before the Flufftinis were even stirred, Susan arrived with a beautiful vegetable plate. I’m not a lover of vegetables so I wasn’t upset by the paucity of them as I pried the Saran Wrap, stuck to the glue-like dip, off.

Turns out that the the dip Susan made was pure Fluff and the vegetables were pure candy. As to why she arrived with so few as to make guests share the miniature carrots and such, she admitted that these were all that were left after her dog gummed the rest of them. Here aKitschionado Prudence Fenton admires the candy buds on the canine saliva-smeared broccoli:

Had we not stopped aKitschionado Jesse Greene from eating the healthy vegetables we may have had to take him to the vet.

As members of The Allee Willis Museum Of  Kitsch always arrive fully prepared, many guests carried their Fluff in appropriately vintage suitcases.

Rusty’s suitcase was also filled with tee-shirts for the mommies in attendance. Akitchionado Kookykitsch, the first member to sign up when The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch launched in 2009, joins Susan and Rusty as the third Fluff mommy.

aKitschionado Ken Dashner, made the girls’ tee-shirts.

Since she first mentioned the Fluff Festival a few months ago, Rusty talked about making a Fluffernutter cake. She e-mailed so much about this I took it for granted that this was a tried and true recipe she had long perfected. But when she arrived we learned that not only had she never made the recipe before but, by her own admission, she was a really lousy cook. To a junk food lover of kitsch this makes for very exciting prospects!

Indeed, the cake took over 3 hours to make. I swear to God, this was all that happened after 15 minutes of Rusty wielding the electric mixer:

The other side of my hair could’ve grown in faster. Perhaps it was due to Rusty’s beverage choice, which goes excellent with Fluff btw:

Though the cakemaking process was exhausting….

…the end result did not disappoint!!

Though you might think that it was the Colt 45 that gave the cake it’s Niagara Falls effect, it was aKitschionado Charles Phoenix, a test kitchen expert, who encouraged Rusty to use a full jar of Skippy, more than the recipe called for.

Charles has excellent cakebaking skills as evidenced by his prizewinning/ front-page-of-the-Wall-St.-Journal Cherpumpumple cake.

In fact, the overflow of Fluff-spiked Skippy made the Fluffernutter cake taste even better.

Though the volcanic goo flow made it almost impossible to appreciate the giant sandwich shape it was intended to retain.

I’ve eaten messy sandwiches before but this took the cake.

More fluffied treats and goings-on tomorrow…. In the meantime, may we offer you a Flufftini?

 

07Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Being Fluff

07Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Being Fluff

Sorry, no real post today as I’m busy playing hostess-with-the-Fluffiest-mostest to members of The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch who convened at Willis Wonderland this weekend for a pre-Fluff Festival junk fest featuring, among other outstanding foodstuffs, whipped cream vodka Flufftinis…,


… Goldfish in seafoam dip…,

…a Fluffernutter cake…,

…Cheez Whiz, peanut butter and jelly, egg salad, and fluffernutter sandwiches…


…fried S’Mores…

…. and candy vegetables with Fluff dip.

I hope to get documentation of the pre-Fluff Fest up within the next couple of days. Those shots will include the attendees eating the aforementioned snacks and engaging in various Fluffed activities. But between everyone’s cameras I have at least 1200 photos to go through and I had to get up bone-breakingly early this morning to accompany the aKitschionados to the Pasadena City College Flea Market, followed by a trek to Pie ‘N Burger for an equally nutritious lunch as AWMOK members feasted on yesterday. So I’ll be back tomorrow with at least Part 1 of Fluff Time at Willis Wonderland. Until then, remember to eat your

03Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – ‘I Have No Idea What This Is’ Bag Or Something

03Aug 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – ‘I Have No Idea What This Is’ Bag Or Something

Judging from the photo on the package I suppose this is some sort of little storage bag or purse or something but the only thing that I can tell from the labeling is that it’s “New” and its name is perilously close to the weight loss drug in the mid 90s that took a whole lotta people out.

Unless you can make sense of it also being “Nearby double seam, abrasive resistance” and that it “Prevents the washings to distort, tie the knot.” But it’s actually the last important point about the product that’s my favorite: “The good classification, the clean is clean”.

This mangled translation, of course, makes me love this product no matter what its use. Serious kitsch value is in leaving the package undisturbed and never knowing the true nature of the contents. And you won’t get help from the back of the package either:

This is what I LOVE about 99¢ and dollar stores. You would think for overstock product shipped from overseas that they would at least slap a label on that told you clearly what was inside. Though for a buck I guess they’re counting on the fact that if you can even guess what it is it’s such a bargain you’re gonna go home with it anyway. For me, it was enough to see psychedelically influenced flowers printed on shades of pink mesh that did it:

Because  it has a zipper I might put my money down on makeup pouch. Or perhaps a small storage bag. I did a search for the company name, Fenfang, but all I found was a Chinese restaurant in Cochin, wherever that is, and a Fen Fang, a praying mantis that’s eating a cricket, on YouTube. Neither one of these give me any clue as to what the mysterious mesh flower artifact is. Hmmm, maybe you stick something like nylons, which I haven’t worn in decades, in so they don’t tangle while drying quickly?

Ultimately, none of this matters as I’m way more attached to packaging that makes no sense than I am to having one more little case that can get lost in the bottom of my drawer only to have me discover it years later and re-gift it.