25Jul 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – R.I.P. Milly Del Rubio

25Jul 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – R.I.P. Milly Del Rubio

So that’s it. The third and youngest miniskirted, go-go booted Del Rubio has left the planet to rejoin the act. Normally I’m really sad when a friend of mine passes away. Trust me, I’m upset about Milly, but as the Del Rubio’s themselves were fond of saying, they were one person with three heads. And now they are back together as one.

Milly passed away Thursday night. The last time I saw her was this last Valentine’s Day when I delivered the hundreds and hundreds of cards, many of them handmade, that people sent to me, many of those via Hidden Los Angeles, to give to her. She wasn’t feeling especially great that day and discouraged me from taking the hundreds of photos I usually do because her hair and makeup weren’t perfect. Not that mine are in this photo with Milly from 1996 after a day in the sun on the roof of the triplets’ mobile home.

This was the last photo I have of Milly, taken about a year and a half ago when I saw her and we discussed that if she started playing her guitar again I would throw a big party to present her.

I had the honor of delivering the eulogies when the first two triplets passed, Eadie in 1996 and Elena in 2001. Immediately after Eadie passed, the remaining two, whose lives had always been enriched and enlightened by the performances they did, announced they never wanted to perform again. I tried to pull them back into it for a couple years, telling them that the reason audiences loved them would not disappear because there was one less sister. But they would have none of it. As you can imagine, that worsened for Milly when Elena left to join Eadie.

I can’t imagine that the world will ever again see something as magnificent and innocent as The Del Rubio Triplets. They were completely unaware that they were somewhat of an oddity and lived to entertain and make people laugh. Although people who were seeing them for the first time may have started out laughing because they had never quite seen anyone who looked or sounded like The Del Rubio’s, they were always won over and went home uplifted, adoring the triplets and remaining eternal fans.

The Del Rubio’s were massive part of my life. I always lived to combine high and low elements of art. I met the Del Rubio’s after my songs had already sold over 30 million records, but to have the opportunity to hear my hits performed Del Rubio style was the biggest reward of all to a budding kitsch lover such as myself. The very first time I ever presented them to the public they did a duet of “Neutron Dance” with Ruth Pointer, who sang lead on the hit record that was then number 6 on the Hot 100 chart. That was honestly the peak moment of a lifetime devoted to the pursuit of Kitsch meets Art, a musical highlight equal to winning a Grammy for the song, which was part of the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack, that same year.

If you’re unfamiliar with The Del Rubio Triplets, you can get a crash course here. And here.

There’s a fund established for Milly and her sisters at the Edith Bolling Wilson Birthplace Foundation in Wytheville, VA., which you can make donations in Milly’s memory to here. You may not know who Edith Bolling Wilson is. She was the wife of Pres. Woodrow Wilson and the great aunt of the Del Rubio Triplets.

That’s right, they had Presidential connections big-time as you can see from that photo taken with Edith Bolling Wilson, with husband Woodrow looking on, at the Woodrow Wilson House Museum In Washington DC. Any of you who saw The Del Rubio’s already know how regal they were. Their presidential link is just one more cherry on the kitsch and musical sundae known as The Del Rubio Triplets.

If you’re on Facebook you can go here to leave a note about Milly and/or leave one here. R.I.P. sweet, blond, go-go booted angel…

21Jul 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – R.I.P. Alex Steinweiss

21Jul 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – R.I.P. Alex Steinweiss

Alex Steinweiss passed away last Sunday. Even if you don’t know his name there’s no way you don’t know his work. Steinweiss literally invented the album cover. Before the 1930’s, records came in brown paper sleeves. At 23, he was hired by Columbia Records and suggested that the music be accompanied by poster art. Thus began the singlemost prolific and influential record jacket design career the world has ever known. Not only did Steinweiss give life to the record industry but he made the burgeoning Atomic Age visible to the public, creating the first wave of freeform design that designers still ride today.

Everything Steinweiss did burst with color. You could hear the music without listening to it just by looking at one of his covers. He was as great at what he did as it gets. His style is still imitated, though I’ve never seen anyone nail it like Steinweiss, who makes even the most successful designer of modern graphics look like a copycat.

And those aren’t even his most famous covers. But it gives you an idea of the rhythmic and lyrical style that still influences modern design today. This was the first time this stuff was being done. Just look at the Google image search page for an overview crash course.

I was lucky enough to have a piece of art in an album cover show at the Robert Berman Gallery in LA a few years ago that featured hundreds of Steinweiss’ LPs. It was a tribute show to him with a wide variety of artists designing their own album covers.
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One of my favorite Steinweiss covers was Porgy and Bess. When I was (co)writing The Color purple musical, I listened to that soundtrack a lot. MP3s of course but that record cover was still in my head as I saw it so much as a kid. I hadn’t been a musical theater aficionado before I got the Color Purple gig. To bone up, I started listening to every theater soundtrack I could get my hands on, especially studying Black musicals. Hearing Porgy and Bess again was what put the genre over the top for me and made me excited about writing a musical myself.
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Here’s Steinweiss’ cover:
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And here’s my Color Purple-tinged take on Steinweiss for the gallery show:
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My piece not only interpreted my musical but commented on the fact that both Porgy and Purple were two of the very, very few all Black musicals on Broadway ever, and that one of those was (co)written by me. That’s a lot to stuff into a piece which was at times torturous to design. I could feel the incredible artistic journey I took making it once I stood back and saw it hanging on the wall. Especially with hundreds of actual Steinweisses, not to mention the man himself, only feet away.
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I got to meet Steinweiss too, which was a THRILL. I know we took photos together but I can’t find them for the life of me. So I’ll settle for being thankful for the life of Alex Steinweiss. His artistic influence on me was MASSIVE. Without him, all there was was the record. With Steinweiss, came story and concept and full expression of the artist and art form, without which I would die. R.I. P. Mr. Steinweiss.
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18Jul 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – The Cheesiest Transportation LP Covers & Captions Saluting CarmageddoNOT!

18Jul 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – The Cheesiest Transportation LP Covers & Captions Saluting CarmageddoNOT!

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Local news is my favorite TV to begin with. The tans, the hairspray, the fact that I know all of the locations, all this makes for exciting kitsch viewing. Last Friday, when Carmageddon – a term I hate but one which took on mythic proportion in weeks past – was about to hit as a 10 mile stretch of the 405 freeway was closing for repairs, my house was stocked with food and I had enough work to keep me locked inside for months.

Saluting the madness with an array of transportation related cheesy LP covers that I posted on Facebook, one for every hour the freeway remained closed, was my way of having my own little Carmageddon celebration all weekend long. As it happened, the work was completed way ahead of schedule so I only got to serve 35 slices of LP cheese as opposed to the full wheel of 52.

The following is the full platter, posted in real time as events occurred. Captions following each LP were submitted by Facebook followers and appear in italics.

LP#1 – The first ramp closes.

Mark Blackwell: “”Willie go ’round in circles…”” ‎

Mike Itsbatmansilly: “This brother is so smooth he gets tweets from Jesus”

Laurie Smith: If Willie was serious about the rapture then he’d have a sun roof.

Mark Blackwell: “With Jesus as his co-pilot, Willie always takes the carpool lane…

Mark Christian Miller: Driving Mass Crazy

Amy Ronis: One toke over the line, sweet Jesus….

 

LP#2 – More ramps closing.

Vinca Price: Look at those headlights! Oh, the car isn’t bad, either.

Mark Blackwell: ‎”It’s what’s under the hooker…er, i mean ‘hood’…that counts…”

Laurie Smith: Central Parking lot.

Amy Ronis: ‎”Broadsided on the freeway.”


LP#3 – Only a couple ramps left open.

Mark Blackwell: ‎”Like a Jeannie in a bottleneck…”


LP#4 – All ramps closed.

Howie Pyro: i WSHHHHHHHHHHH they would shut up with this Carmageddon crap!

Mark Blackwell: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH…it.

Amy Ronis: c’mon and “VOGUE!”


LP# 5 – Freeway completely closes. I’m going to bed.

Ted Nimmo: “I was sure I left my trailer here.”

David Gene Echt: “Is this the Smoking Car?”

Steve Stubbleyou: “Man, I sure could use a ride to Sugartown from Nancy right about now.”


LP#6 – Carpooling on city streets.

David George: Thinking of changing their name to the 4-0-Five and leading a parade on the newly completed carpool lane…

Mark Blackwell: Crystal mess…

Amy Ronis: Carpoolin’ chain gang

Steven Collings Russell: “Drop my hand and PUSH, bitch!”

 

By this point, Demolition is in full gear.

 

LP#7 – So far none of the freeways are backed up.

Mark Blackwell: Al B. Not-So-Sure…


LP#8 –  $4 Jet Blue flights from Burbank to Long Beach sold out in less than an hour.

Bob Ricketts: Is that co-pilot in drag ????

Cheryl Bianchi: Fly the friendly cielos…

Mark Blackwell: ‎”Odd is my co-pilot…”

Steve Stubbleyou: Founders of the Mile High Club.

Danetta Cox Cordova:  Sorry to say, they never let women fly back then. She’s just keeping the co-pilot’s seat warm.


LP#9 – Bicyclists start crosstown race against Jet Blue flight to long Beach.

Mark Blackwell: Ass transit…

Steve Stubbleyou: Watch for speed rumps, er, bumps.

Mark Milligan: Booty biker

Mark Blackwell: Stay clear of the center divider…


LP#10 – People are discouraged from standing on ramps to chart the freeway progress.

(Sorry, none of the captions made me laugh.)

 

LP#11 – Passengers on the $4 sold-out, 150-seat Jet Blue flights were greeted at the airport with balloons and a Carmageddon cake.

Mark Blackwell: Two moon junction…


LP#12 – Car alternatives abound.

Cheryl Bianchi: Put another Shrimp on the …vespa?

Steve Stubbleyou: Joni Mitchell in her blue phase: Help me, I think I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.


LP#13 – Nice day to stay at home and wash the car.

Mark Blackwell: Got lost on his way to the california grapes audition…

Amy Ronis: Fasten your seatbelts, It’s going to be a schlumpy ride!

Steve Stubbleyou: Unsafe in any Speedo.


LP#14 – All dressed up but no 405 to roll down…

Mark Blackwell: The Pillage People.


LP#15 – Many folks have come up with imaginative alternatives to driving a car….

Kimberly King-Burns – ‎”I thought you said banana split?”

Betsy McGowan: Day O Day O….daylight come and I wanna go home!

Mark Blackwell: Millie’s recovery in the institution has been slow, but as she herself always said, ‘time will tell’….

Timothy W. Ladd: Time will tell if Millie is a man.

 

LP#16 – Demolition is going smoothly, though news reports say there may be some damage to the road below from falling concrete.

Mark Blackwell:  “Okay guys, take it to the bridge…”

Jerrod Cardwell: Work stoppages due to intermittent bouts of “funkiness.”


LP#17 – I can’t believe I missed the last Jet Blue flight from Burbank to Long Beach.

Kimberly King-Burns: ‎”So I’m sitting here at El Toro and not a single Blue Angel blew me a kiss!”

Amy Ronis: Decca-dent!

 

LP#18 –  110 freeway downtown getting crowded as people head to the Coliseum for the LA Galaxy vs. Real Madrid soccer game.

Joseph Bacon: If they only had a Pink Cadillac they could have cruised down the Freeway of Love.


LP#19 – There’s lots of Carmageddon parties going on in LA tonight.

Mark Blackwell: Sweden’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose…

Danetta Cox Cordova: “Vee can move this old vilding and make just enough voom to park vis car, if only vee push harder. Come on voys, harder I say!”


LP#20 – While most Angelinos stayed out of their cars, David Hasselhoff stayed on his.

Richard Pedretti-Allen: He’s holding a C7 chord but that stance says B# and though I would classify Hasselhoff as A-diminished, I hope that car has A flat.

Mark Blackwell: Nicht Rocker….

Steve Stubbleyou: Faster than a speeding mullet…

Danetta Cox Cordova: Thought bubble of girl in car:  “I am so tired of the Hoff doing this at every red light.”


LP#21 – Drunk driver on the 101 right now. Police in pursuit.

Mark Blackwell: Better Czech yourself before you wreck yourself.

Danette Cox Cordova: Riding a nose giant nose trimmer in outer space with elf shoes on. Add to bucket list.


LP#22 – People found lots of ways of getting around the 405 today.

Mark Blackwell: neck and neck…

Tamara Ragus: “O.K., now cough.”

Mike Gormley: Together Again.

Amy Ronis: Bjork’s 2012 Grammy awards dress.

Deb Walker Weaver: This is what happens when all the good men are taken.

Julia C.R. Gray: With your legs and my brains, the detours will be cake.

Mark Blackwell: Gee-iraffe your hair smells terrific…

 

LP#23 – Taxi drivers say the shutdown is bad for business and that they had to wait 2 hours at LAX before anyone needed a cab.

Mark Blackwell:  Life in the brass lane…surely makes you lose your mind…

Steve Stubbleyou:  Gilligan and MaryAnne pick up a few extra bucks in the off-season. (And by the way, don’t those tires look delicious?)


LP#24 – Even the truckstops were empty today.

Amy Ronis: Truckstop Barbie!


LP#25 – LA roads were deserted today. Which makes the car chase happening as we speak a whole different adventure.

Amy Ronis: Vagabond dreams of Edward Hopper…

Mark Blackwell: Buddy can you spare a dame…?

 

Once the car chase, which lasted over 3 hours began, there were no more TV reports re Carmageddon. To call it a non-event is an understatement. Which is actually good news as Angelinos heeded the call and it looks like we’ll all be back on the road soon.

LP#26 – Officials remind us “It’s legal to drink beer and fly, whereas the cyclists have to follow all the rules.”

Mark Blackwell: Brigitte Bar-not.

Laurie Smith: Nice motorthighcle!

Steve Stubbleyou: (to the tune of “The Letter”) Gimme a honey on a Harley/ Make her kinda nasty and gnarly/ Oh Brigitte Bardot/ Take it nice and slow/ My baby, she rode me in leather.


DAY 2

LP#27 – Department of Transportation says they’re ahead of schedule and all will be back to normal soon!

Steve Stubbleyou: ¿Donde estan los bumper cars, por favor?

Mark Blackwell: ‎5 drive 55

 

LP#28 – Carmageddon ending soon!! I knew I should’ve rented a truck to move the piano.

Laurie Smith: And 3 seconds later Donny’s solo career was over.

Amy Ronis: Donny plays piano…Marie plays conductor!


LP#29 – Carmageddon ending soon!! Hop into the truck, girls!

Kellie Cracker: Mormon truckers have all the fun!!

Mars Parham: Mormon Convoy!!

Sid Limitz: Show me the way to Petticoat Junction.

Amy Ronis: Sisterwives are doin’ it for themselves!

Mark Blackwell: Mormongeddon…

 

LP#30 – Carmageddon ending soon!! Let’s go to the beach!

Alison Hay: Carpooling down Benedict Canyon was proving to be a challenge.


LP#31 – Carmageddon ending soon!! Now we can get the organ back to the church!

Kellie Cracker: At least he still has his organ.

Mark Blackwell: armandlegageddon…

 

LP#32 – Carmageddon’s ending soon! Great, now I don’t have to ride the dog!

Mark Blackwell: Sounds better if you’ve got a big woofer.

Steve Stubbleyou: Go Greyhound … and leave the wifey to us.

Mark Blackwell: No barking zone

 

North side 0f the 405 reopens!

 

LP#33 – Get me to Mission Hills!

Amy Ronis: Pixar test drives its special effects team for “Up”

Mark Blackwell: Little Red Bore-vette…

Steve Stubbleyou: With balloons in my eye/And my hand on your thigh/ That’s amore…

 

LP#34 – Carmageddon’s almost over! Time to put the Double Double down and get back on the road.

Mark Blackwell: The truck stops here…

Amy Ronis: This big Bud’s for you!

Mark Blackwell: Bertha control…

 

LP#35 – It’s over!! Thank you, construction crews, for a speedy, non-Caramageddon weekend!

Amy Ronis: Hot-diggitty!

 

Carmageddonot actually only lasted 37 hours. Angelinos were model citizens and stayed home or in their neigborhoods. It felt like a holiday weekend, which is healthy for a city once in a while. And that means there are 17 slices of LP cheese leftover for when the other side of the freeway gets done in eleven months and the whole Carmageddonot starts all over again.  At least for now, the freeway is back to normal. I really do LOVE LA!

16Jul 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Carmageddon Celebration On AWMOK Facebook Page Right Now!

16Jul 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Carmageddon Celebration On AWMOK Facebook Page Right Now!

In a salute to Carmageddon, I’m posting one cheesy transportation-related LP Cover on Facebook for every hour the 405 freeway is shut down in LA this weekend.  This is the makings of an extraordinary cheese platter, served one morsel at a time, rivaled only by the Camembert created as local newscasters babble on as if LA is undergoing a lobotomy. If you’re on Facebook, drive directly to http://www.facebook.com/AWMoK or my profile page, http://www.facebook.com/alleewillis. All captions are welcome, the best of which will be used in my Kitsch O’ The Day blog on Monday, which will feature all 53 slices of LP cheese that honor the reopening of my least favorite freeway in LA, the 405.

A smattering of the covers featured so far:

 

Happy weekend!

27Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Richard Simmons!

27Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Richard Simmons!

I was going to feature my Richard Simmons towel as my kitsch offering of the day:

But I decided to feature the real thing instead because of how far we go back.

I met Richard Simmons in 1981 when he first decided he wanted to cut a record. Bruce Roberts and myself wrote and co-produced  the entire Reach album. We worked on it with Richard for almost a year. With Richard singing lead and calling out exercise commands, it was filled with real pop songs and the hottest studio musicians and background singers around.

I just found this on youtube.  I don’t know who posted it and it sounds like it was transferred inside a muffler, but it’s the first 2 and 1/2 songs on Side 1. Bear in mind that this was done in the midst of the very first wave of aerobic/Jazzercise/Jane Fonda exercise-mania.

I’m even on the album cover:

Let’s take a closer look at that:

That was probably the last time I ever went to an exercise class, other then when I met Richard at his studio, Slimmons, this last Saturday. I can’t say I was in sweats or that I even sweat at all. In fact, I went to meet him for lunch. But I answered a lot of e-mail and got a little writing done on my iPad as literally hundreds of folks who came to his Saturday morning workout class huffed and puffed and did the sweating around me.

In actuality, I did use my towel to wipe some sweat from my brow because it was hot in LA this weekend and there was no air-conditioning in class. I know that’s the way people do it if they’re serious about exercising or yoga or anything else where it’s good that your natural goodness pours out of you. But I, on the other hand, am the type who would rather have an air-conditioning chip installed in their body if such things were yet invented.

I know my outfit isn’t as pretty as Richard’s and I’m not as slim. If only I could shed as many pounds as I have great memories. But the memories and friendships keep me stuffed with joy and that’s what life (if not exercise) is all about.

22Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – ‘Can Ya Dig It’ Patch

22Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – ‘Can Ya Dig It’ Patch

Other then “Right on!”, there was no more popular phrase in the late 60’s and early 70’s than “Can Ya Dig It?”. Though this patch is missing the ‘?’, which makes it as kitsch as it was hip back in the day. Of course, sewing patches all over your clothes was never excessively hip but here are a couple other ones you may have sewn over holes in your bellbottoms were you of the mind:

The patches were all machine made.

I always hated what they looked like on the back. A bunch of spider veins or corpuscles.

I actually never covered myself with patches but throughout the early 70s I did walk around covered in fan club buttons.

I don’t know that I walked around spouting the phrase, “Can ya dig it?” but I sure sang it a lot as one of my favorite records of all time, “Grazin’ In The Grass” by The Friends Of Distinction, came out in 1970 and made the phrase ubiquitous.

If by chance you’re not familiar with the phrase “dig”,  here’s the definition in one of my favorite reference books from the era, The Third Ear: A Black Glossary, published in 1971 by The Better- Speech Institute of America.

“Dig” is as follows:

I have to “split” now.

I have a dentist appointment. Not sure how much I’m going “dig” that but my teeth are begging me not to give them the shaft.

 

13Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Jukebox Tip Tray and My First Time Singing On Stage In Mannnnny Years…..

13Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Jukebox Tip Tray and My First Time Singing On Stage In Mannnnny Years…..

Mere days after my first and only album, Childstar, was released on Epic Records in 1974, I walked on stage in front of 10,000 people to open in Boston for folksinger David Bromberg.

The only other time I had been on stage before was when I played a little fur tree in a school play when I was 8. Now here I was singing soul music, the first 10 songs I ever wrote, plus a Mary Wells medley and Brenton Woods’s “Oogum Boogum”. My band, the singers of whom would go on to become Chic, were dressed as sequined vegetables and I was in a satin suit that I’d autographed from head to toe. This is a really crappy photo of part of the costumes on mannequins but it’s all I’ve got;

Me and The Angle Babies aren’t in costume here but you can get a pretty good idea that between us and our costumes we weren’t what the folksinging crowd came to see.

I didn’t have a very good time on stage. I never could remember my lyrics and I always spent more time designing the sets and costumes than I did rehearsing or getting comfortable being on stage. After five performances on the East Coast we were booked into a lunchroom at Ohio State, the only way the college could also get Joni Mitchell to play in the main auditorium because we had the same agent. Our only audience were three people at a bridge table eating hot dogs and a psychology class being conducted in the back of the room, with the professor telling us to lower our volume after every song. I walked offstage after six songs and made the decision to just be a songwriter, where at least if I was being tortured it was in the comfort of my own room.

Through the years I’ve gotten much more comfortable performing – in my own unique way of doing so which doesn’t include singing live – mostly because I’m a big party thrower and walk around on mic the whole time.

Almost every conversation I have comes through the speakers and I’m literally directing and producing the party as I go. Throw in the thrift shop auctions and stupid party games that I lead the guests through and I’ve gotten very relaxed holding that cold metal thing in my hands.

But I still never have gotten it together to sing anywhere other than in the studio.

So the fact that in mere hours I will be up on the stage for the first time in almost four decades and I’m not sitting here throwing up is a MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT! Me and five other well oiled songwriters will be singing our greatest hits and talking about how they were written. It’s just with a keyboard – Chris Price, who I’ve been writing and recording a song with and shooting a video all on iPhones, is accompanying me –  but I’m singing and remembering lyrics and lines nonetheless.

And if I can get through the evening not thinking about soul singers dressed as vegetables, psychology professors and hot dogs I will have made a big breakthrough.

I’ll be performing “September“, “Boogie Wonderland”, “Neutron Dance”, and “I’ll Be There for You (theme from Friends)“. At least radio has regaled me with these songs thousands of times over the years so I’m hoping that for once I can remember my own lyrics and be happy I’m up on stage.

Wish me luck!

12Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Cheap and Hideous Piano Musical Jewelry Box

12Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Cheap and Hideous Piano Musical Jewelry Box

This is the kind of gem I pray pops up every time I enter a 99¢ store. It’s perfect kitsch – cheap, ratty sounding, filled with misspellings and bad translations, completely over-art directed, and way too much gold. There’s even gold on gold, making the title of the product hard to read.

Which is a shame because it has absolutely nothing to do with what’s written around it. (White paper inserted as reading aid.)

But wait… Is Discretion the name of the Musical Jewelry Box or is it Pianissimo Piumosso?

And what exactly is the logo? Is someone with an Afro blowing a candle out? And look at the finger smudge on the candle.

The clunky plastic floral spray against red velvet is another excellent touch. And when you open the piano lid, a red light flashes while Fleur-De-Lis plays, at least I think that’s what the ear wrenching tinny notes are stringing together.

I have long confessed that I have absolutely no idea how to play an instrument despite the fact that music I’ve written has sold over 50 million records. But even I know that nowhere on a keyboard do three black keys occur next to three black keys. As far as flats go, there’s two of them, then three, then two, then three. But not on the Discretion Pianissimo Piumosso!

I’m going to assume that the makers of this fine musical instrument were attempting to incorporate the term “prologue” as the make of the piano, prologue being that section of a song, musical or story that sets up the main attraction that’s to come after it. Spelling it wrong however, “prolog” is “a general purpose logic programming language associated with artificial intelligence and computational linguistics.

From a kitsch perspective, the spray-painted flower on the side is an excellent touch. As if enough wasn’t going on on this piano already, the thought of leaving a solid color along the edge was just too much for the manufacturer. The top left petal just made it on.

The one on the other side didn’t fare as well:

Just imagine the poor person whose job it was to spray these things on as they rolled down the assembly line. High from paint and molded plastic fumes, it’s a wonder anything made the instrument at all.

Speaking of manufacturers, the maker of this grand piano music box is listed nowhere on the packaging or product itself, leaving only China to blame.

But perhaps the most astounding thing about this product is that despite being clearly marked as a Musical JEWELRY BOX, no compartment is provided for the jewels. Sorry, music box only.

Tomorrow night, I’ll be singing live on stage for the first time since I walked off one in 1974, vowing to concentrate solely on songwriting so I didn’t have to get paranoid about losing my voice, a band member flaking or feeling self conscious in front of thousands of people as I did back then.

My only hope is that when I get on stage at “ The Songs of Our Lives” Concert” in LA tomorrow night, I will appear to be at as high a level of musical brilliance as this Pianissimo Piumosso Discretion ProLog Musical Jewelry Box.

07Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Mini-Mod Disco Doll Accessories

07Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Mini-Mod Disco Doll Accessories

I love these kind of toy kits that are slapped together to take advantage of some current trend because the contents are usually cheaply made and wrong. This card of Disco accessories is no exception. For example, the model with the sky-bound hair looks way more trashy 80’s than stone cold funky mid-to-late 70’s, which is what anyone gracing anything that has the word ‘Disco’ on it should look like. Although I suppose her hair transcends any decade:

The scarf is a nice touch, though placement on anything other than the neck doesn’t seem optimum for Disco dancing.

And shouldn’t the model be wearing platform Disco shoes and not heels she might have worn to a tea at the Holiday Inn?! They could’ve at least found a stock shot of someone wearing appropriate footwear. Even the enclosed Go-go boots, tre passé in the the Disco era, are wrong.

And look at the different belt lengths. Is this in case of the doll’s weight gain or loss?

I guess I can understand that sizing approach in belts but not in shoes. You either have one size feet or the other.

A lovely but somewhat limited selection of jewelry is also provided:

But what on earth is this? A beach ball cover? A beach-themed yarmulke? An example of sloppy stitching?

I love that all the record titles have the word ‘Disco’ in them, lest we forget that these are DISCO doll accessories.

At least they got the Disco font right. Then again, the “D” is suspiciously like the ‘O’ so maybe not…

I was much better dressed when I co-wrote this (thankfully) Disco classic:

06Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Cheesy Friends Billfold with Rhinestone Necklaces

06Jun 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Cheesy Friends Billfold with Rhinestone Necklaces

Despite the fact that I co-wrote the Friends theme song, “I’ll Be There for You”, I’ve never collected the plethora of merchandise associated with the show. It’s too new and mass-produced to have the soulfulness of merchandise I collect that came from TV shows of earlier decades, and instead just plops the logo or photos of the stars on the same old cups, T-shirts and keychains that every other post-1990 show on TV stamped their likeness on. Like this keychain that the manufacturer was even too cheap to stamp the name of the show on.

Or this coffee cup:

Despite the fact that I really liked/like the show – and not just because I get a teeny-tiny-minuscule-for-which-I’m-eternally-grateful royalty every time it’s on – I never liked the tragically 90’s font of the show title. The only exception is on this incredibly cheaply made purse where the font is beautiful because they left the ‘s’ off of Friends.

My billfold has the teeny tiniest most minuscule of rhinestones on it, only about 1/16th of an inch in diameter.

And why was poor Jennifer Aniston gipped out of her necklace?  Although the manufacturer includes one spare rhinestone should the other girls’ jewels be compromised through normal use.

The inside of the billfold has none of the up and frothy sprit of the show:

The back isn’t any better:

I’d rather glue the edges of the sheet music together and at least have something distinctive to carry around. And I’d never have to worry about losing it as my name is right there on it