14May 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Kleenex Girl Head

14May 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Kleenex Girl Head

Allergy season is in FULL TILT here in LA. I never had allergies before but for the past few days my eyes have been wetter than the Mississippi and my nose is flowing like Niagara Falls. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I can reach into this lovely lady’s head to grab a Kleenex every time the river starts to run.

Fake fur hair like this used to gross me out.

Too retro repro for me. But I’ve reached into this follicle cavity so much these last few days I’ve grown very attached to her 60’s Shangri-La’s inspired ratty hair and ever-gleaming plastic face.

Yesterday, I was at the House Of Blues bright and early announcing the winners of the “Drawing Us Together” art competition, featuring kids’, teenagers through early 20’s, art work interpreting music in LA.

Thankfully, my nose pretended it was stapled together and I was able to hand the winner their prize without slopping on anything or anyone. Had I really thought about it before I left, I would’ve attached a chain to Ms. Tissue and worn her as a necklace. At least I would’ve be blowing in style had my nose not cooperated.

24Apr 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – The Worst Easter Chicks Ever

24Apr 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – The Worst Easter Chicks Ever

These are without question the mangiest chicks ever, that is if these feathery creatures are, in fact, “chicks”. Hard to tell in this little display diorama, whose elegant mirrored-inside swoop made the original owner kitschingly ecstatic when they bought this, most likely in the 1970’s or 80’s. Except people who buy things like this have no idea that something is so tragically off. They view it, instead, as a thing of beauty. The “chicks'” owner probably didn’t even wait for Easter to display them but, rather, kept them out all year, they were THAT beautiful to them.

In the 1950’s and 60’s there were little mink earrings and keychains that looked like the “chicks”. Little black dot noses and made of real mink.

The minks look suspiciously like the Easter “chicks”.


You could also make the argument that the “chicks” are French Poodles. After all, a tongue is a lot more appropriate for a dog than for a chicken.

But still, these were clearly sold on eBay as “Easter chicks”.


If you look really close you can see how sloppily the “chicks” are made.

I know, the shot is very blurry. But after trying to shoot it 25 times I gave up. The “chicks” defeated me. But you can still make out the dark bowling pin shape in the mirror behind the “chick”. The Gin Chaio company of Japan didn’t even go to the expense of  wrapping enough material around them to finish the “chicks” despite the fact that they’re mounted in front of a mirror! But I can understand that a person who thinks these “chicks” are beautiful enough to be encased, and that they’re, in fact, “chicks” to begin with, would miss something so basic as their bare backs. It’s enough that the “chicks” are beautiful. And that it’s Easter!

Happy Easter to all and may your chicks all be beautiful! (And actual chicks.)

09Mar 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Japanese Apple Comb

09Mar 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Japanese Apple Comb

In terms of junking up ordinary items in extraordinary ways I can usually depend on products that come in packaging with horrendously poor translations, as is often the case with my favorite foreign company of insane accessories, Daiso Japan. Among other things, I would say that this is clearly a comb despite labeling that claims otherwise.

And despite it being an Apple Comb or even an Apple Hair Brush, a couple of cherries have snuck in. So wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to call it a Fruit Comb or Fruit Hair Brush?

There are several wonderful things about the warning on the back of the Fruit I mean Apple Comb:

It’s pretty clear to me that a comb is meant to be used on hair and only an idiot, perhaps someone who thought this was a hair brush, would be in need of an instruction like “do not use if any symptoms such as scratch, boil, eczema and swolleness occur.” I don’t like to think of such extrusions when I’m stroking my locks. As for “Do not directly apply wax and essence on the brush”, I have no idea what essence is and, as I said, I don’t see a brush anywhere in this package. And, regardless of whether this is a brush or comb, I would not want it to cause “damages on my skin”, especially “when got dirty”. The text on the front must have been written by the same translator:

“We are going to return our customers favor with better products.Intelligent choice! Practical choice! We believe your best choice.”I think the best choice would have been to also put the design on the back of the comb as you never know which way a person is going to hold their comb and/or hairbrush.

But no matter how you hold your comb, choose your fruit, part your hair, or struggle to make sense of the packaging, the Apple Fruit Comb Hair Brush is one pretty l’il thing!

06Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – There’s More Cheese On Super Bowl Sunday Than What’s On The Pizza

06Feb 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – There’s More Cheese On Super Bowl Sunday Than What’s On The Pizza

In the lexicon of kitsch, ‘cheese’ and ‘cheesy’ are words often used to describe objects that grace the highest echelon of kitsch itself. As if there wasn’t enough cheese to go around on Super Bowl Sunday between the dedicated–to–the-point–of-Camembert headgear and face paint that loyal fans wear to the game, the obscene price of tickets, the even more obscene money dumped into commercials, the melted cheese on the pizza and hot dogs… it’s a veritable wheel of Brie when throngs gather around the TV screen or freeze in the stadium to watch people ram into each other insuring that life after 50 will be spent in the maximum amount of pain possible.

Although I happen to own the pert little 1950’s looseleaf pictured above, that purchase had much more to do with celebrating teenage years in an innocent age than celebrating February’s favorite sport. So I thought I’d take a tour of eBay today and see what football kitsch was available to anyone in a shopping mood who might want to sprinkle a little more cheese on their Super Bowl Sundae. Here are my Top 20 Cheddar picks:

Without question, this simple, homemade and very brown tribute to football lamp ranks high:

Although if I had my choice of only one thing it might be this stuffed Houston Oilers cheerleader:

I wonder if her sport skills include this?

I think the designer of this tee-shirt, listed on Ebay as “vtg-80s-RaBBiT-FooTBALL-BoW-BuNNY-CuTE-SWEATSHIRT-S_M” might definitely have such a skill:

I doubt that’s what  Mickey had in mind though…

…or this dork who I never want to see in a football jersey or anything else again:

Same with this guy:

When it comes to plush, I’ll stick to balls.

The one on top of this 1970’s Avon bottle isn’t bad:

I never thought of a football as ergonomically shaped, so this phone can’t be too comfortable to hold in your hand:

Whoever hand-beaded this tiny little football charm was very comfortable with a glue gun in their hand:

I wish it had been a football phone or glue gun that were in this juiced up football player’s hand instead of what we all know was in it in 1994:

How completely ugly is this Treasured Times football frame?

And how completely inappropriate is a football in the hands of this little 1961 porcelain Christmas angel?

And how completely dumb is it to permanently mount a glass on top of a football helmet, albeit a miniature one?

How completely ugly, inappropriate and dumb are fanny packs under any circumstance, any time and any place?

But how completely perfect is this football positioned as a towering head in order to sell this vintage protective device?

Also at the head is the football on this 1950s Dazey  butter churner:

While you’re churning your butter perhaps you’d like some beer.

But don’t drink too much or you may end up with hips like this player:

Throw a little whiskey into the brew and  it could be an early Valentine’s Day:

May you be enjoying all the cheese possible this Superbowl Sunday!

24Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – 1960’s “Last Leg O’ The (knee) Trip” Pen

24Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – 1960’s “Last Leg O’ The (knee) Trip” Pen

I’m happy to report that my own recently operated on left  knee is finally allowing my leg to return to its natural state such as modeled by this fantastic “First Leg ‘O Trip’ Washington souvenir pen. Although my own appendage is not as shapely and slim as this perfectly poised on-point gam, it’s just about at the point of where it looks more like an ‘I’ than a ‘V’ and is allowing me to hobble around rather than setting up permanent camp in bed.

I have no plans to go to Washington but, rather, to Detroit, the trip that I suspect sent my knee into hyper-gear and caused my meniscus to rip. Not known for my disciplined exercise regimen, in April I’m heading to the Motor City, my hometown, to conduct my high school band playing a medley of my greatest hits in the lobby of the historic Fox theater before a performance of the musical I co-wrote, The Color Purple. In efforts to bounce around as if I were four decades younger, I got a little overaggressive as I rehearsed, conducting every TV commercial that came on and threw my knee so out of whack it was a lesson blaring in neon signage that one can never let themselves turn so fully into a couch potato that they’re more likely to grow sprouts before being able to function as a fully exercised human being.

Why, you might ask, was I rehearsing to TV commercials when I’ve actually written the songs that are to be performed?  That would be because I never learned how to read, notate or play a stitch of music so even if the Mumford marching band arranger scanned his arrangements onto my skin I’d have a better chance of deciphering Chinese than the musical notes and rhythms before me.

So long ago I developed my own technique of being able to jump on a note and rhythm at the first milliseconds of its sound so that it might appear I know what I’m doing. I’m the same way with melodies. Nine times out of 10 I can sing along with something despite never having heard it before. It’s a weird skill I know but I can’t say it hasn’t come in handy:

But back to the leg at hand:

I love my little leg pen and, if I remembered where I put it after I shot these photos, I would have most definitely had it at bedside to psychologically aid in my recovery. That’s one of the beauties of being a collector. The objects around you aren’t just there because that’s what ought to be sitting on an end table or where there’s a chair there’s also an ottoman. The objects and you are one, all manifestations of energy in a world that’s largely up to you to create. Now it’s my job as a diligent patient, and one who has a marching band to conduct to boot, to manifest having a left leg as strong and shapely as my souvenir Washington leg pen and to stay on point forever.

Thank you all for taking this weeklong knee/leg journey with me. It actually made it feel like fun and that’s a lot to be said for surgery! This is, indeed, the ‘last leg’ of this journey.

18Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Paging Dr. Casey!! I’m having knee surgery today…

18Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Paging Dr. Casey!! I’m having knee surgery today…

Today I’m having surgery to repair a torn meniscus in my left knee. The operation, a relatively quick outpatient job, was supposed to occur on my right knee but after putting the surgery off for over a year and a half I favored the good leg so much that literally the day I finally scheduled the invasion the good knee went eeewwwrrripppp!!! and snapped just like the other one.  Calling Dr. Casey!!!

My doctor should only be as comely as Vincent Edwards, a.k.a. Dr. Ben Casey!

I know my injury occurred because I finally got into exercise mode a few months ago when I was invited back to my alma mater, the University of Wisconsin, to conduct the 350 member marching band in a medley of my greatest hits at the Homecoming football game last October.

I got even more aggressive in my exercise routine when I found out I’m going back to Detroit to conduct my high school marching band playing my greatest hits in April at the historic Fox theater before a performance of my musical, The Color Purple. My high school was made famous in Beverly Hills Cop when Eddie Murphy wore a Mumford High T-shirt throughout the film.

I also received a Grammy for Best Soundtrack for BH Cop so my songs, “Neutron Dance” and “Stir It up”, are inextricably linked to my high school forever. As someone who’s main exercise has always been walking back and forth to the refrigerator, I went into overdrive conducting every tv commercial that came on, every YouTube video of any school band doing one of my songs, anything that could help raise my stamina so I’d be capable of jumping around and flailing my arms for 20 minutes straight. But I guess I just got too excited and ripped my other meniscus in the process, thus proving what I had told myself my whole life: exercise is the devil! (despite me being on the cover of the very first Richard Simmons exercise album, which I also co-wrote and produced. How kitschy is THAT?!!)

This previous no exercise philosophy of mine allowed me to sit on my ass much of my life, which allowed me to watch much television, which in turn allowed me to obsess over Dr. Ben Casey.

My knee surgery will probably be over by the time you read this and Vicodin will be swirling around inside, enhancing my enjoyment of Keeping up with the Kardassians, King of the Hill and all the other TV pacifiers I’ll  no doubt be sucking on once home. Too bad no one has thought to air reruns of Ben Casey.

I always thought that Dr. Casey’s mentor, Dr. Zorba, was very wise, albeit very shrivelled.

I’m glad that ol’ shriveled Dr. Zorba is still watching over Dr. Casey’s shoulder, though he looks ever more attractive now that he’s drenched in so much shadow:

I always loved when the man, woman, birth, death and infinity symbols were drawn in the opening titles of the show:

I’m happy to see that Dr. Zorba’s handiwork made it onto the wallet too:

I haven’t had a chance to clean the wallet yet. It looks like some biological specimens may have been left over from the former owner.

As such, l will most certainly not be carrying my Ben Casey wallet with me to the surgery center. I hadn’t planned to anyway as we all know that operations aren’t cheap and there’s only enough room for a few dollar bills in this wallet anyway.

I’m hoping that both Dr. Casey and Dr. Zorba’s spirits will be looking over my doctor’s shoulder when he goes to work on my knee. I hope my doctor has as excellent surgical skills as the young and dashing Ben Casey as I’m looking forward to having my knee back and doing spirited marching band formations around my living room very soon.

A happier leg makes for a much happier Allee!!

06Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Japanese Etiquette “A Sick Bag”

06Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Japanese Etiquette “A Sick Bag”

If you weren’t nauseous before you grabbed for this “A sick bag” or “Sac a vomis” you would be after taking a look at everything going on on the packaging.

I love that “A sick bag” is also referred to as ‘the etiquette bag’ as it “will help by quickly solidifying your vomit and quenching the odor”. Now THAT’s etiquette!

I always like when a creative slogan like “help when you’re feeling sick and want to throw up” is employed:

That sudden feeling of wanting to share your contents with the sidewalk can happen anywhere, on all kinds of transport:

I can’t imagine many people would need instructions about how to use the “A sick bag” but easily understandable ones are included nonetheless:

In case you don’t read Japanese, helpful illustrations for how to open your A sick bag, heave into it and seal it up are also included:

I don’t know about you, but if I had an unexpected, unsightly regurgitation the last thing I’d want to do is carry it around all day until I got home. And what’s up with the “non-burnable trash”? Are we saving it for something?

The conflict of “1” and “batches” is making me slightly nauseous:

I guess Arabic speaking peoples also have a propensity for “vomis”:

Ahh, I think I will save my coin and just use a plastic bag should the occasion “arise”.

05Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Lipstick Pens

05Jan 2011

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Lipstick Pens

Although none of these little mini pens come in the signature Mac Morange ultra bright neon shimmer orange color that I slap on my lips almost every hour of the day, they’ve been a staple in my purse ever since I received three of them for Christmas. They’re the exact size of and dead ringers for a real tube of lipstick so, as someone who always carries multiple pens because I’m forever writing myself notes, size and beauty rank these high on my list of practical kitsch accoutrements.

I hate keeping things in my head. I don’t like my brain clogged with anything other than empty space for ideas to float around in and percolate. And, despite the fact that I have three iPhones because I can’t take the time to look for my phone when I inevitably misplace it, I’m still in the habit of scribbling notes on little pieces of paper.

And just as I am with iPhones (and pocket recorders and keys and anything else that’s small that I need to put my hands on at a moment’s notice), I’m incapable of only owning one lipstick pen.

I tried to live with just these three for a couple weeks but broke down today and went on the hunt for them online. I was going to get a conveniently priced set of 12 but was watching Extreme Couponing on TLC during my search so felt inspired to stockpile. In just a few days I’ll be the proud recipient of enough lipstick pens to keep one constantly in sight for a year. My one regret is that the pens don’t come in all these gorgeous 1970’s shades:

I still get a thrill when I uncork a new tube of lipstick for the first time and that perfectly shaped oval ski slope of slick, untouched color emerges. If you’re someone who loves lipstick, there’s nothing like that first virgin drag across your lips. I like lipstick so much that I have several other lipstick shaped  items.  For example, I have a lipstick camera,

… a lipstick umbrella

… and several lipstick lighters.

But most beautiful of all are my new lipstick pens!

27Dec 2010

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Clothing Dust Proteetive Set

27Dec 2010

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Clothing Dust Proteetive Set

When I first looked at this Chinese import from the Dollar Store I thought that it was much too straightforward to qualify as a product I love because of really bad translations on the packaging. But then I saw that the spelling of Protective had mutated to ProteEtive. So I started nosing around the packaging and found that it very much lived up to my high expectations for cheap products coming from the Orient.

Although I’ve never heard a clothing garment bag referred to as a “Dust Protective Set” let alone a “Dust ProteEtive Set”, it’s pretty clear to me that these are, in fact, garment bags. However, I’m really not sure how I’m supposed to be “sweeping neat” or what the act of sweeping has to do with anything proteetive anyway.

Similarly, I’m very happy that “the dust protective defends the tide” but I’m not sure what the ocean has to do with anything. And the cover of a “Dust Protective Set” doesn’t seem to be the right place to start a song lyric. I’m also grateful that my new garment bags are “beautiful generous” though I prefer those qualities in people. I almost thought that the last selling point was about to make sense but ultimately am much happier about the forgotten ‘c’ in “practial convenience” than if these people had enough money to hire a skilled translator.

As far as the graphic goes, I understand the garment bag and the suit that goes in it but I’m not sure what that loaf of bread looking green thing is doing there.

Perhaps it’s just another illustration of the proteetive bag lying prone to show you that it can be  overstuffed, or oversteefed, with clothes. I do hope that the bags themselves are constructed better than the title of the product, though I would never rip the plastic to get them out as I’m far more concerned with proteeting the sanctity of the Proteetive packaging than I am about proteeting my clothes.

Thank you, aKitschionado Margaret Lewis, for your generous contribution of one Dust Proteetive Set to the physical collection of The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch at AWMOK.com!

01Dec 2010

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Japanese Banana Slicer

01Dec 2010

Allee Willis’ Kitsch O’ The Day – Japanese Banana Slicer

I was so excited to use my new Japanese-by way-of-China Banana Slicer I ran to rip the package open as soon as I got it home.

But not before I enjoyed the rash of bad translations I always look forward to seeing on these kind of products that flood dollar stores here in the States. The cautionary bullet points on the back of the package are usually very helpful.

I promise not to use the Banana Slicer for anything other than slicing bananas. It doesn’t seem to be especially practical for use as a comb. I will not put the item on the side of a fire but how about in a fire? I also won’t bring it close but close to what? And what is a government divis? And the last time I had a brain in my head I interpreted “please keep this package” as the same thing as “without throwing it away”. I promise will have no trouble keeping the package without throwing it away.

I’ve never heard of a salad crêpe before. Seems like it might get a little soggy.

Is a crêpe the same as a crape?

I love how “Banana Slicer” is translated into so many different languages in case the banana shape of the slicer and the sliced bananas below the translations don’t make its purpose clear enough.

Now on to the actual artistry created with the Banana Slicer. First, position the comb I mean Banana Slicer over the banana.

Apply pressure and slowly push the slicer through the fruit.

Keep pushing.

Once penetration has been achieved, flip your Banana Slicer over to reveal the slices.

One would hope that the slices would just roll free but go wash your hands now as you must prod the fruit free from the teeth.

Look at the lovely banana slices!

Now, wash the Banana Slicer and keep it with your Portable Banana Keeper.

Thank you, aKitschionado windupkitty, for your generous contribution of one Banana Slicer to the personal collection of The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch.