THE CANDLELIGHT SERVICE
IS ABOUT TO BEGIN
ANYONE WHO WANTS TO
IS WELCOME TO COME IN

I WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING VITAL
I JUST READ IN THIS SELF-HELP BOOK
I TOOK FROM THE TRASH CAN
IN THE LADIES ROOM
HOUSE OF PANCAKES
“WILL” BY G. GORDON LIDDY
MASTER OF THE WATERGATE CAPER
MY NEW GURU.
WHO WHEN HOLDING HIS HAND
OVER A LIT CANDLE SAID,
“THE TRICK IS NOT TO MIND IT.”

AND I DIDN’T MIND IT
WHEN I FIRST CAME INTO
THIS WORLD
ELVIS WAS NOT ONLY FAT
HE WAS DEAD
AND I DIDN’T MIND IT
WHEN I READ
OZZIE OZBOURNE PUT A BAT IN HIS MOUTH
AND BIT OFF ITS HEAD

I DON’T MIND
I MUST’VE MISSED OUT
ON MOST THINGS
THAT MADE AMERICA GREAT

CAUSE I WAS BORN IN AN ERA
KNOWN AS
POST WATERGATE
BUT I DON’T MIND IT

AND I DON’T MIND IT
NO MATTER HOW MUCH CONTEMPT
I HAVE FOR SOCIETY
IT’S NOTHING COMPARED
TO THE CONTEMPT
SOCIETY HAS FOR ME

I DIDN’T MIND IT
WHEN I LEARNED
THE PHRASE
‘TRUTH IN ADVERTISING’
WAS JUST SOME LIE
THOUGHT UP BY SOME GUY
IN ADVERTISING

I DON’T MIND
THAT THERE’S NO MORE AVANT GARDE
BUT MY MOM TOOK IT PRETTY HARD

I USED TO BE PROUD
I STUCK OUT FROM THE CROWD
NOW EVERYONE IS MARCHING
TO A DIFFERENT DRUMMER
WHAT A BUMMER!
BUT I DON’T MIND IT

I DON’T MIND
THAT I TOOK MY GOLDFISH
AND I PUT IT IN WATER
FROM THE FAUCET
AND IT DIED
OUR DRINKING WATER
CAUSED IT

I TRIED MY MOUTH-TO-MOUTH
RESUSCITATION SKILLS
MY DAD SAID, “YOU ARE THE
DAUGHTER OF A SCIENTIST
IT SHOULD’VE BEEN
MOUTH-TO-GILLS,”
BUT I DON’T MIND IT

I DON’T MIND
EACH MORNING I GET UP
I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO THROW UP
I DON’T MIND I HAVE PARENTS
WHO SIMPLY REFUSE TO GROW UP
AND I DON’T MIND
WHATEVER IT IS THAT’S MAKING
THE TEENAGE SUICIDE RATE
GO UP

I DON’T MIND
THAT THE TEEN-AGE SUICIDE RATE
IS SOARING
LIKE HALLEY’S COMET
THE BOY IN SCHOOL
THAT I LOVED MOST
DIED LAST YEAR OF AN OVERDOSE
BUT I DON’T MIND IT

I HAVE SET AS MY GOAL
TO GET SO STRONG
I COULD PEEL ONIONS
ALL DAY LONG
AND NEVER SHED ONE TEAR

I WANT MY SKIN TO THICKEN
SO IF I AM PANIC-STRICKEN
WHEN THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT
IS HERE
I WON’T EVEN FEEL THE FEAR
AS I WATCH ME
AND THE WORLD DISAPPEAR

THE TRICK IS NOT TO MIND IT
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR PEACE
THIS IS WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT

GORDON LIDDY SHOWED ME THE WAY
I HAVE BEEN ON
HEAVY METAPHOR MAINTENANCE
ALL DAY

FOR LIFE
IS LIKE THAT CANDLE FLAME
AND WE ARE LIKE GORDON LIDDY’S HAND
HOVERING OVER IT

(Lights candle)
(Holding hand over flame)

AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL, BUT
THE TRICK IS NOT TO MIND IT.